Just for once it'd be nice if I didn't tie everything that I try, whether sport or an audition, into and in with my entire self worth and entire being. But it seems that I can't quite help myself. And as such I left my casting today feeling bloody awful, ready to fling myself into that deep dark mental cell to self flagellate.
I don't think it went well at all, the casting and I felt gash for it and could quite easily imagine the director and the rest ripping the piss out of me and my 'performance'. It seemed so simple too yet in that minute or two in those two chances I was given I might as well not have bothered. The pre-dump of adrenaline before hand that hit out of the blue didn't help. Usually I'm pretty calm about these things but today, just before going boom! Hello near panic! Seeing a pal from previous drama plays help take my mind off it at least. After that staring out of the window and munching on the complimentary biscuits prior to my spot that feeling started to creep in and by the time I had done it and was out the building it was in with The Boss in my ears and off to browse to take my mind off the crap feeling that was my anxiety, depression and to try and stop my rapidly diminishing self worth. Anything that requires me to take some pressure seems to now cost me. Walking back to the train station I considered, not for the first time but for the first time in a while, jumping into the river.
Hello suicidal tendency. It's been a while.
If not for the girls in their summer clothes around Bristol I might have struggled even more. Still, it was a tasking battle and one I didn't used to get but it seems it is one I may have to get used to. Again.
A day day last Monday, Friday and now today. They are trickling in.
As long as it is only a trickle I suppose.
I can't go back. I can't go through this again.