So far it has only been the odd day of grey, maybe once a week, maybe once or twice a fortnight. But sometimes I get those days of deepest night blue. Today is just such one of those days.
Initially I had plans to go out for the day after work and enjoy a day out but as it got closer it became apparent that the excuses in my mind were starting to sound like the better option. No matter how hard I tried to bat them away they soon settled in.
There will be highlights on the TV
The tickets haven't arrived yet (They came eventually)
You'll save some money
It will be packed and full of people
Thin final remark was the one that really did it for me.
You see, years ago my anxiety with regards to crowds of people was always something of a going concern but I managed to get around it or just ignore it because it involved doing and going to something I really wanted to see. As in going to a concert or festival to see a band or bands. That was as a single person. After the divorce I think I had gotten used to being with someone when out and about so now going to a place full of people is a struggle. I have done it before but it takes a lot from me and within me to do it. Today wasn't one of those days where I managed to summon anything like close to that, however.
Today has been a day of trying to settle enough to listen to music, sleep or just be without feeling like flying into a rage over stupid pointless insignificant things. The last time I felt like that was during a coming off of one meds to go onto another.
So here I am again.
Tired within, empty like an ice lolly that has had it's essence supped out leaving only colourless ice on a stick.
Days like these make me feel just plain bloody awful. Where anxiety meets depression things get.... troublesome. I struggle to do anything or even think anything other than my own wretched existence and when that happens suicide isn't that far from my thoughts.
This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass