Monday, 31 July 2017

I knew it was there despite pretending it wasn't.

Today is a storm cloud coloured kind of day. Not quite grey but not quite black enough to be a bad day but enough of a disruptor to make me feel tried and down.
I felt the usual fear Sunday night and by the morning I awoke before the alarm feeling jittery. It is always the morning with me. It is almost as if all the fears that had been slumbering fairly peacefully rouse on a Monday morning just to open up and spew forth. 
A few years ago it would have kept me in bed. These days I can just about fend them off with my usual mental 'shssh'. It is the only simple thing that keeps them and me in check.
I knew things weren't great when I felt more tired than usual despite having a relaxed non sporty weekend. It brought to mind that empty batteries running down feeling that I had at my worst a few years back. That feeling I fear returning to. That feeling that is replicated whenever I have a virus and I immediately wonder, is it coming back? Is it a visit or something more... long term?
When it is like that, like today it is harder to ignore and pretend it isn't there. some days I have done that, I try not to but sometimes I can't help it. I try not to be defined by this but that is difficult when it has had such an effect over my life. Fears of the future, what may or may not be are creeping in a lot at the moment bu then maybe that it is to do with my age more than anything? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that no matter how often I tell myself it I don't think I will ever get used to being this way until my, hopefully, natural end.
At work this morning it was a Tool kind of music day. Their music really chimed with me again, fitting in with my mood. If it rains, so much the better.

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