Tuesday, 30 January 2018

'I'll just have a little rest', he said before drifting off for 6 years

So yesterday; yesterday was a bit of a shock and I am still feeling it's effects today. 
It was a real trip back to how I was when bad. And if that wasn't bad enough the depression nostalgia increased as not long after writing yesterday's post I received an email from that Uni I had applied to turning me down. Of course they did, it was the day for gash news, if nothing else.
That news was like having a pain in the guts and then rising for some air before being hoofed in the family jewels. All that was left for me was music and tea and hope that a new day would bring new mood.
Has it? Not really. I'm feeling very worn inside and certain images of me giving up, as it were, are a bit constant. Not giving up permatenly but giving up nonetheless which is always a bad sign. If nothing, else all this mental illness over the years has made me more aware of the danger signs leading up to an episode. being overly moody, tetchy, snapping at minor things, feeling empty, tired, worn, sleep becoming difficult and then over sleeping if I take a nap and feeling out of it afterwards. Small things to do feeling like they are very big things, small stresses causing me big stressful responses, the usual really. Or, more like, the usual when I am bad. I felt so tired and worn yesterday but when it came to bedtime I took a long time to nod off. Frustrating and confusing. The dreams that followed were all about or involved 'it' too.
Thankfully, yesterday and today are pretty open once work has been completed. I've given myself time off from exercise hoping that the rest, mentally and physically, will help some. Aside from that, I can only hope that this will pass. The fear of returning to what I was, when bad, really bad, is still a fear and yesterday has only increased that fear. I must try and not give in to the urge to sweep away all before me when things feel bad. I must test and adjust and try and keep to my treat system. As in, get through this today and when at home I can read in bed as early as I want or buy that album I've been eyeing up. That kind of thing is small but helps muchly.

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