Monday, 29 January 2018

Words can bring me down

Things have moved on apace since before, during and after Xmas. I had an interview for a battlefield tour guide before Xmas (required a long drive to a place I'd never ventured to before which was more scary than the interview) I had a new cleaning slot at a fabulous shop (I also got a lill' discount too and had so many ideas for new hobbies and gifts for others too) and I made an application to get onto a full degree course at University. 
In this time I've also lost my appetite for coaching. Well, certain coaching. A certain coaching slot where it's more baby sitting than actually coaching. Unfortunately I get paid for that coaching. The voluntary coaching I enjoy so for now I may stick with that. That aside, it just isn't working out. I just can't break into full time. So maybe it's time to go back to what I was, re: the degree Uni thingy. No word back from it so far though. And I have since lost the other cleaning slot. Damn shame that. I really enjoyed it.
Mentally I'm stable. Apart from today but I suppose days like these will happen. Monday has always been the worst for me. The anxiety first thing and then if bad that generally feeling of black. I have been feeling anxious and tetchy lately. Not wanting to engage with anyone,  that kinda thing that always points towards warning signs with regards to depression. Compared to what I was, however, it isn't nearly as bad  but anytime I get even so much as hint of what was I get ... apprehensive, nervous. The fear of returning to what I was when bad is all too real. 
Everything I need to get done has been done so now I'm going to take it easy on myself. Tea, reading stuff to mentally soothe me. Basically trying to go against the grain and be nice to myself. I'm getting better at it.

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