No matter how many times I seem to get to this point or reach this level of feeling I still can't seem to shake it or get used to it. An event comes up I get nervous and immediately I yearn for me wife, my ex-wife. On and on it goes with no real lessening of the intensity of feelings. I really don't know how to shift it. And if I do attempt to shift the nerves, which is usually me cancelling something, that results in a brief pause of that feeling and annoyed feelings from who or whatever it is I have cried off from. I can only imagine the depth and intensity of feeling that will result from the forthcoming big move at the end of the summer. It's like I'm in some ineffable maze that I can't find my way out of no matter which way I turn. I try the same route but always end up back to the same. Sometimes distraction works but when-ever it comes back to my mind it sometimes feels worse in it's intensity. I really don't know what to do. Again.
Whenever I arrive in a new place, be it city or shop I'm always comforted by the presence of foreign students or newly arrived immigrants. This is because seeing them and hearing them makes me feel less isolated and alone because I know that they too are getting used to their surroundings and a potential new routine as well as me. It started years ago when I used to gig in London. I used to feel like a tiny any lost among the throng of locals. It didn't take too long for me to soon moan about the tourists and their incorrect use of the tube escalator like the natives but it is something I still seem to fall back on whenever in a new situation. At the moment I'm playing 11-a-side football as goalkeeper. This is a stressful position at the best of times and may seem an odd choice considering my depressive past and current present. Since reading Robert Enke's biography, A life too short, it inspired me to get back into it all. It was the last position I played at 6th form so it seemed a natural position to get back into. What I didn't take into account, however, was my state of mind in playing. The nerves, the fear of messing it up, thoughts of others and general pressure of play. All of these mixed together presented a mountain to try and climb. My first game this season went to expectations that I had to deal with. My first game pretty much matched those expectations as in it went badly. First shot on my goal, I rushed it and it went between my legs. Swallow me up now ground, swallow me up now! It didn't and after that it got a little bit better, hey, it couldn't have gotten any worse could it? It's a lonely position but for all the perceived minus' it suits me to play it. It's taken a long time but I finally seem comfortable playing and do, just about, look forward to playing it. I have had my moments of not playing and thinking up an excuse to not play when at my lowest. Like I've stated previously on this blog I'm getting quite good at lying. It has helped me enormously. It's just a lot easier than saying, 'Hey, I'm having a bad day. Probably best if I don't play today.' I just dare not risk putting that out there yet.
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