Mr Blue Sky

Dedicated to my fellow blogger, halfway between the gutter and the stars and myself. 
This song always makes me smile and feel nice. 
To the future, whatever it may hold for us both :)

The World has turned and left me here...

So, my second year has started and so far so good (despite a current set-back of flu and food poisoning which has left me with a diet of digestive biccies and rusks) and with regards to the deep black it is starting to ebb. I haven't felt this clear for a long time, clear of that greying numbness, clear of the nullifying anxiety. I still get the odd explosion of nerves and doubt but they are manageable. Fairly.
Lately, however, my ex-wife has been creeping into my thoughts. I'm not sure why, maybe it's all starting to seep out now after the numbness of the depression? Stuck beneath it's depths up it pops after being stuck beneath its darkness. Maybe? I'm not sure but what it is giving me is a sense of loss and sadness. The way she ended it, the way I took it and well, just missing her and missing her from my life.

"...just where I was before you appeared. And in your place an empty space..."

Some days I really do miss her; I miss her presence and I miss her counsel when I needed it her calming words were such a help. I also miss her as a lover, a partner and most of all as a friend. 
I allowed the feelings to take over yesterday and even sneaked a long peek at some older honeymoon pics that I have stored on my games system. It was a mix of nostalgia, happiness and bemusement at the arguments we had over which I still can't remember what they were really about. It also made me long for Italy too and brought to mind my mild ambition to work over there, specifically in Verona. What a city that was. Mind you, I would need to sort out my Italian linguistic skills. Or rather limited skills. And that's not even mentioning my German ambitions and more lack (litotes?) of linguistic skills.
It's nice to have ambitions, I guess.
So with these feelings about her I suppose there isn't much I can do about it. It's difficult to really talk to anyone about it apart from a select few who would get it and even then when that is done I still have to deal with it on my own but I don't know how to. 
Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I don't have to deal with it in the sense that there isn't anything to deal with except, well acceptance. Leaving that feeling and memory alone, knowing why it's there and why bothering me, acknowledging it when it resurfaces and, when appropriate indulging in either nostalgia or sadness. 
Is that the way for peace for me?
Within me?
If I want to move on and attempt at any sort of a relationship I think that it is.

Mr Self Destruct

Watching Breaking Bad recently (It's a show I've gotten into lately along with Game of Thrones), I was wondering about me and if my depressive tendencies will lead me towards a path of ultimate self destruction. It wasn't a bad day today but it wasn't the best. 
And when you have another in a long line of not the best day(s) you tend to get tired of them, weary of them. Tired and weary of battling yourself and your mind and when that happens the question of suicide sometimes pops up. 
How much longer can I keep battling this? 
Battling this part of me, illness though it is, takes its toll. I mean, will it come to pass that one day in the far future will I just reach a point where I've had enough and decide to end it? That's a scary thought. One in a very long line of scary thoughts granted but scary it still is. Things are ok at the moment but when they aren't this thought occasionally appears. 
Will I survive? Do I have it in me to keep surviving?

Hold me tight

Much has happened since my last proper entry. I’ve gained a year, I’ve got myself some part time work and I had a good spell of non-blackness. This past week or so however, it has returned and I find myself in a little slump. Robin Williams passing has brought it into sharper focus as well, as is usual whenever I hear about a suicide. 

It always starts off innocently enough, a missing day of the gym here or there, over tiredness later sleeping hours which lead to over sleeping into the day. This then starts to stretch into days and then weeks and I find it harder to get up, to get out and do anything. 

It has also come at an awkward time; it always does, as I’m due to go away over the weekend. I’m nervous as I know what I’m like when it comes to events like these and I’m at a low point. Anxiety goes up and my will to do anything sinks. I want to go but leaving the comfort of my bed and my little space, again, is a daunting one.

It’s a battle once again. I was almost getting used to not being this way over the past couple of months and actually thought I might be able to decrease my meds. Fat chance of that now. Over 2 and a half years of this. Will it ever improve? Will I ever improve?

I recently completed CBT therapy one on one and it went well and I left it with some tools to use. Now’s the time to use them, I guess.

It doesn’t help that this morning I had a nice dream about my x-wife. In it she was loving and, well, nice. I cant recall if it was a get back together or not. I do know that I woke myself up from it, almost as if my subconscious wanted me to end it so I wouldn’t have to deal with the bittersweet after effects once I woke up. It did serve, however, to remind me how much I miss her. She could have such a calming effect on me if I had to do something that got me a little bit worked up. She was also someone I could look forward to seeing on my return. 

Obviously, not anymore. 

Still, that was her choice and it’s something I must remind myself, regardless of the nice dreams. It was her choice to leave when I was at my worst. 

Hers.

Sadness :(

So much sadness at this and the manner of his passing.

New MSP!

And it's signed too :)

The Dark Side of the Moon

Like most kids I was scared by the dark. I was scared by its potential to hide things away only for them to jump on me and attack me as soon as the lights went out. 
Now, as an adult, I find the dark comforting. It's a place I can hide away in when the lights go out. In the dark I feel safe, covered, hidden in the shadows away from everyone and sometimes even away from myself. When I'm having one of those days of black I have to shut everything away, the shutters come down, literally and figuratively and the light goes out. It could be blazing sun outside, warm with beautiful blue skies but inside it's dark, shady with only music for company and the light hue of my laptop the only illumination.

'Go to sleep, everything is alright'

When I get to bed too that provides me with some respite. I'll either plug in to some tunes or leave the TV on, because although I want to be enshrouded in darkness I sometimes get overwhelmed by loneliness so having the TV on can sometimes give me some audio company.
Whether it's day or night when I'm having a day like today the dark is my friend.
How things change when you reach adulthood. From scary to comforting. Conversely, when I think of even attempting to get into that great comfort of relationships, I get scared.
What was comforting is now so scary.

Everything will be ok once I turn the lights out.