This year has be the first in a long time where it has been consistently stable, stable in a good mental health way. There have been the odd little blips but mostly a nice stable line of balance. Knowing the difference between circumstantial and inner black and blues helps too. Is the issue just it or is it due to something going on or going wrong? A deeper worry that is manifesting itself, that kind of thing. Also, since finding out about this whole SPD issue I am learning about what is potentially causing the big depressive breakdowns. A little bit of knowledge is good but it doesn't it make it any easier. So, now it is a case of me trying to work my round around and through this fairly new development and trying to not let the fear of another episode stop me. When I heard about Keith Flint and his passing it saddened me but it also made me fearful of my next episode. It weaken you each time because you know what you turn into what you become and the thought of going through it again and again well, it certainly forces you to stop and think, truly think about whether you can or even want to carry on. So far though, it's ok and compared to how I was over 7 years ago that is something of an achievement for me.
A new year, a new post. So the sudden apparent appearance of insomnia has kept to it's end of year consistency as at the moment sleep has been a bit inconsistent. Last night I think I got close to three to three and half hours. Not entirely sure why. It could a mix of things, the over sleeping on the one hand, the not being able to switch off the brain on the other. Certain worries crop up but tend to crop up just as I am about to nod off which is really annoying. And it's odd as I feel fairly stable, more than I have been in a while. But this? This could make that wobble some. But we shall see. It's still early but I can't help but feel a bit skittish regarding it. On the good side of things me, I potentially have a new job coming up. It's not huge but it is a step forward. At least from my other job anyway. Onwards to 19.
This last month or so has been to put it in a John Shuttleworth way, oooff. Fears , worries, some tangible some not so tangible, present, past, future, all up there brewing away in that noggin of mine. It also culminated in a couple of weeks of intermittent insomnia which was tasking and a reminder of what I used to go through back in 2012. That dizzy, washed out feeling prevalent though the day. There was real reason why, aside from the above, as my head decided to cogitate on stuff for no apparent reason. It wasn't as if I had done anything to get excited about prior to bed either but along it came in a throwback to 2012, lovely stuff. Sheesh. Annoying because I was doing relatively ok up until then. I say relatively as Oct saw a wobble after a mental health first aid course and a planned trip to see a certain Canadian poet but I just couldn't do it. I hadn't slept and knew it would be a struggle. Especially after the course ion the same day which had brought up certain issues and memories for me. So I decided not to go. It made sense especially as I was in bed by the time it would have ended. It felt like the right adult self care decision to make. Even though I was disappointed in more ways than one. I also, for some reason, had another nice dream about the ex. She was just resting on my lap and we chatted. It was...nice. Annoyingly so. All that aside it was...ok. I've had worse. But this no sleeping really knocked me back some and made me worry I was falling into...that black. But so far it's just that worry. It is hard to dispel though, that feeling of going back to it. I don't think I ever will lose it. And if that all wasn't enough as another Xmas season approaches a former love is now with someone else. It had to happen, I know but still, oooff.
And for that, near, half a second I thought that it had happened. Dreams. Your own picture house of wants, needs, loves, hates and nightmares. Sometimes remembered, sometimes best forgotten. I had one this morning that revolved around my ex wife. It was nice. It was almost as if my mind had distilled the nice bits and goodness of that relationship and presented it to me in that dream. We were in a car together and for some reason I opened up to her and told her what I had been up to, what I had achieved since we had split, what had gone right, what had gone wrong, how I had been in that time. And she listened, we held hands and I wasn't angry or bitter or resentful towards her I just wanted to let her know what I had done and how I had been, the good and the bad. When I awoke it was almost real and then the realisation hit and I was left... confused. I think mostly I was saddened that it hadn't happened. I think it stems from when we met, sort of met, back in December last year during a reunion for a military thing we were both at. I had spent a lot of time wondering what would happens, all the what ifs and after all that not very much happened at all. I am sure part of me wanted to catch up with her see if any part of her was proud of what I had achieved but realistically it wasn't going to happen. And so I'm left with....this. This surface feeling. Thankfully they aren't as prevalent as once they were, those sorts of dreams. They used to leave me very discombobulated. Now, they just leave me feeling distinctly... meh. Yesterday was a good day; today? Not so much. I'd knock on the head and hit the sack if I didn't have things to do and if I thought I would actually sleep. Big sigh.
It didn't come at the best time. But then does it ever? Bad news. Two bits of bad news, well, three, two jobs, one university. Chances to progress, kick on and move forward but no. No go. I was starting to feel a bit grey as the sun goes away for Autumn and Winter and the darkness began to creep in. But these set backs have really booted me one. I'm trying hard not to bin everything off that I have set up. I have one thing today, just not feeling up to do it at all, hoping that the rest will help some. Especially as I have the half marathon at the weekend. I am also feeling bad, achey, tired which are bad signs indeed. Those signs point towards danger. What to do? Rest and hope for the best as I utilise my wellness tricks to either soothe or distract? Or...no. I cannot, I won't. It's too easy to panic and jettison everything. And one it is in my mind it is difficult to dislodge. The calmness will be nice but the guilt and hammering of myself will soon offset all of that. An oldie but a goldie for more than just the fab tune. I just need to take their advice. It used to work for me.
An interesting week has been had. A TV show regarding adults and Autsim prompted me to consult my doctor and present my case for me thinking that I had, at the very least, Aspergers. Thankfully, my Dr passed these on to the local autism assessment group and I had two sessions for them to, well, assess me. It was probing and wearing but good. Unfortunately I wasn't diagnosed as having autism but what it did reveal I wasn't so keen on taking away. Sensory processing disorder, not really recognised in the UK alas, and Adhd without the H were also mentioned and the former certainly makes sense for me after reading up on it. That was fine, kind of, no, what the problem was the the not wanting to take away was the early relationship, or lack-thereof, with my father. It would certainly explain a lot with regards to my anxiety, continuing, relationships, both friends and romancey but well, it now what? More resentment for my father and trying to deal with whatever this sensory thing is. On the plus side of things I do have a new outlet for all things internal outside of this blog and that's poetry! So that is something if nothing else. Trying to understand me, well, that is ever ongoing. This gal is my savior in so many ways.
This has been a testing year. In my 45th year I can say that outside of that second great depression this year is a tricky one. Jobs I thought I was either perfect for or near guaranteed to get well, it wasn't the case for one reason or other. A relationship I thought was going to turn into a relationship changed into nothing rapidly. My coaching has shrunk to voluntary roles and my University applications have turned into bugger all. I'm getting pains in my teeth, certain body parts and trouble with the water works. I'm also getting into that sack it all off as soon as I finish work type of mood as well. I try and make a change, make the change, force it, let it happen, all of the above but yet here I am still. The relationship thing is something I am getting used to, like this mental illness. More because I think it will be better that way in the long run. It will save me a lot of potential misery, I've enough of that, and heartache. Still, hope always springs eternal whether I want it or not. I also suspect autism, or rather me being on the autism spectrum. I have an assessment coming up next month. It could answer a lot of questions about me.
Posts
