Aftermath: reprise

So I broke. Another layer of black to deal with.

I couldn’t help it. I was due to go away recently and had my usual stresses involved with that, nerves about going out, trying to find stuff needed, meeting new people, all very usual for me but this time it felt too big to overcome. One reason was because all I could think about was her. Before if I got stressed she could help, she’d see through my tetchiness for what it was, nerves and she’d calm me and I would sometime seek reassurance from her but this time, no more. I honestly felt cast adrift. And by the end of the night I was leaking more salt water than a er… a er… leaky salt. Thing. Damnit,  it’s taken me longer to think of a salt water simile than write this. Anyway, basically tears came. Again and I found myself back in my black hole and I cancelled any and all activities and probably upset some people too with my actions. Again. So here I am, sleep grazing and thinking of her and why I am now a statistic. A divorcee. I have my suspicions but whatever, it still hurts and hurts bad. Why though? Why damn it all? Her mother had and still has mental illness problems and I think, when I said during a low point, I didn’t think it would ever go, internally she must have panicked and thought, Well, I’m not gonna end up like my dad with a partner who has these problems for the rest of their days. I really do think that was a part of it. I do because well, I have nothing else to go on.

The split happened in March, I was out in April and it’s only now with time spent apart that it has really infiltrated me, really soaked in. I was talking to a new friend about it last week and she said; she was divorced too, that it was like a death and I think she’s right. You feel so lost and empty but you have no say in their removal. 
I seem to be upsetting people lately too. On that interwebsite Friendface (recognise that name? Moss, Jen and Roy where are you now?) I asked a friend I’d been getting to know, who was also a friend of hers, about us meeting. She said, what would your former say? Jokingly, I said, well I won’t say anything and besides who would you have more fun with? Unfortunately said friend took this as a slight against my former and said it seemed like I was slagging her off. I said no, I was trying to use levity to lighten the message. Didn’t work obviously. Then during a moment of lowness I asked her that if she spoke to her could she tell her that I missed her as she has cut herself off from me. To which said friend replies with, I’m not your middle man and so far no more messages from her since. After that I actually texted my former other and got… nothing. No surprise there really. When she gave me a forwarded piece of mail a month or so ago she wiped her address from it. Not sure what she thought I’d do with it but seeing that hurt. What does she think I am now that she'd do that and totally cut herself off from me, aside from divorce papers which put it plainly in very stark clear black and white terms regarding her reasons for divorce?
When she first mentioned this to me she asked if it was ok to mention the black. I said yes, for what other reason is there? I wasn't sure if she was trying to spare my blushes or her own. 
So, remember all that fuss about the Mayans and 2012 being a bad year? 
They weren't wrong.


Song of the moment: Faith No More 'everything's ruined'