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Right now my existence seems to revolve around digestive biscuits,
tea, hibernation, baseball, music and thinking of her, mostly good times so as
to really mentally torture myself. I also can’t stop dreaming about her. In the
dreams she mostly says nothing. This morning during one of my sleep grazing
dreams she actually spoke. Only to answer my question of, are you talking to me now? And then she only smiled and said that she wasn’t actively not talking to
me. I think my mind is trying hard to figure all of this out and dreams are a
way of doing that. It’s the only was because I’m not going to get anything from
her.
Today I tried to wrap myself in music and darkness, lights
off, NIN playing softly. My body seems to be keeping me numb and sleepy at the
moment, energy is at a low level and I can barely get up the enthusiasm to live
let alone do anything. The urge or rather the strongest feeling in me that isn’t
apathy is one that requires me to either SI or take my thoughts to the next
logical step (logical in my mind of course) and take it to my wrist. On and on this is going, on and on. La Tristesse Durera tour jours
indeed.
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