The Bends

At the moment my mind can’t help but pick at the mental scab that was my marriage. This being certain songs that remind me of her or a certain time together. Sometimes I need to listen to one to really, what? Rub my conscious into it? Remind myself that those good times are now just a past memory? I don’t know but at the moment it’s a habit I can’t break.

Today I must have stayed in the shower for something like twenty minutes trying to drive away the cold I can feel from within, hoping the hot shower water would somehow penetrate deep within me like some sorta spiritual mental microwave. Fat chance. I came out more pink and wrinkly than anything else still feeling that inner chill. Things are still the same right now I haven’t shaved for 2 weeks and like it like that. The salt and pepper whiskers feel like a covering of some sort. It also makes me feel strangely better too, my older features reflecting how I feel inside somehow. Depression is such an invisible illness; not for the owner, that sometimes you need an outlet which for me whiskers and the results of my SI. The result of last weeks markings are fading, the scabs starting to fall away leaving what I hope are scars. Because I want scars. Scars to reminds me and tell me this is real and that I’m not making this bloody black up.

Going to bed of a night I am struggling to keep to a regular sleeping pattern, aside from the pattern of not sleeping until the sun comes up and then either still not sleeping or sleep grazing until 12pm. I either listen to music and cogitate over my marriage and life or watch the baseball. This has made a social life difficult, not just for that reason but also because I am not in a social mood.  I have been out, twice this past week. One to see a play with two friends and one on a date. Yes, me on a date. Actually it was the third one and went fine, a girl who likes my company, seems to fancy me and understands where I’m at right now. When I told another friend about this situation she was far from impressed saying that in the wake of my divorce I should allow myself to ‘heal’.  She is big on counselling right now and most of her words and advice seem to come from that angle. Pro words like, ‘healthy and unhealthy anger’ are used. ‘Displacement of anger’ is too, (this because I told her to mind her own business when she enquired as to the sale of my wedding ring and didn’t I get a lot for it) But I myself disagree. I’m not getting involved per-se and well, we make each other happy and both know the score so what’s the prob bob?

I’ve yet to visit a men’s help group that I know about locally with regards to mental health. This isn’t because I don’t want to, more like I keep oversleeping. I will go but as with other things requiring me to leave the house and keep to a schedule it has become tricky. I’ve let my gym usage drop considerably too which pains me a bit but not as much as I would have thought. The drive just isn’t there right now. It’s my birthday this week. What to feel about that?