You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties

Sleep pattern is a bit odd right now. Oversleeping, up in the middle of the night (though am sure that’s about ten or eleven pm rather than the early hours which is what most people use that to refer too) and back to my old non-sleeping in the regular hours ways. Now I’m not sure if this is due to a break in my early New Year routine and is my go to default when things lose structure, it could be as the first time this hit, back in 2001/02 I found some odd solace in the insomnia/night owl existence and the same, sort of, goes for now. I usually do my best thinking then, sometimes too much thinking then and I like the solitude of it all, as if I’m the only one awake now and everyone else is fast asleep. Well, that’s what it feels like anyway, true or not. Right now though, I’m enjoying the aural comforts of the Manics. They have been my sonic comfort blanket for the past year now and whenever I feel the black approach or feel a bit anxious for no real reason they are as welcome and comforting as a cup of tea, enveloping me in their lyrical calm and warmth.

I used to this to even greater effect on Sat night after a bad experience at a party. Parties for me just don’t seem to work anymore, I find them awkward and kinda intimidating. For instance on the Sat night, although I did know a few there I couldn’t mix as well as I have done and did my best to try and play the, eat everything and drink as much as possible to cover up the nervous inner monologue in my head game. It reminded me a bit of the scene in, Skin Deep, a late 80’s film by Blake Edwards and starring the late great John Ritter. In it he arrives at a party in fancy-dress whilst all around him are in very smart attire. He then proceeds to drink whatever is free and available until he gets smashed. Which is what I tried but failed as I can only drink so much at the moment, as in not very much and as I mixed them that didn’t help my longevity either. So I had a little dance, a bit of a chatter and then mostly stayed in the corner looking out the window, wondering what to do. It was all too much like the school discos of yesteryear, me being too shy to approach and talk to the girls I liked and ask then to dance. Then of course I didn’t have booze so no excuse really eh? I did talk to the girl I liked, briefly, well shouted due to the blaring music but couldn’t get much of a feel for any connection and I didn’t get much of a chance for any more as she was off and dancing in a lil’ girl group. Not long after that a song played that me and my former used to dance around to and that signaled the end of my night. At home the booze blues hit and I fell asleep to the sounds of The Streets, original pirate material, MSP, lifeblood and Radiohead’s, ok computer. It was the only nice highlight for me that night. So, me and parties, not happening.

This past week was also the 2 for 1 anniversary of me and my former’s wedding/divorce. What did I do? Very little, opting for the protection and comfort of my duvet once again.

Which reminds me, recent dreams include a dragon and me eating two I-pods after being dipped in tea biscuit dunking style. Hmm.

Misfits rabbit

Love this rabbit from the Misfits. Even better when his eyes light up!

Got me Wrong

And make it I did. What made it harder was the cold that had crept in suddenly making me a bit more crapper than usual. But I got through it and afterwards I pretty much stayed in bed for the next five days or so. The odd video game, TV and movie catch up. I also went out on a Friday night and met up with a nice young lass who was cute, sweet and likes pretty much the same stuff I like. After a nice brew we went to a pub with a top jukebox, always important I find, and after some pear ciders and some flirty chatter some nice necking followed. All good but, me being me and not being able to stop the noggin’ from cogitating at its usual hyper speed, I couldn't help but think how the idea of a relationship is just anathema to me right now. With regards to my former, her, I feel like that sort of giving and commitment is something I can’t do even at a smaller level.  Will that change? Maybe, then again maybe not. To be honest if it doesn't it is a thought that has no real effect on me, it makes me feel neither sad nor happy, a sign of my complete numbness at the moment perhaps?

The more I look back the more I wonder what was the point? All that, in sickness and in health, better or worse, etc etc’ Does anyone really take any notice of it? Or is  it the sort of blurb that gets the same sort of glassy eyed response mentally that the agreements and blurbs for various downloads and contacts get when you rush through them to get to the signing your name and downloading here gets?  If push comes to divorce, does anyone really take those words to heart? Did I? Or since the divorce am I only now giving a monkey’s?

Lately my dreams about her have been kinda odd. It’s almost like she’s a versatile actor playing any role my mind can conjure. The latest was her in the role of a Mad Max type outland boss who had control of a small town and its supermarket. Very odd, even more so with her singing while everyone was told to be silent. Thing is, I was the one who tried to end her reign. Hmmm, no idea what it signifies or represents though. Maybe an obsession with Mad Max?

Black Dog on my shoulder

Let's Pretend

I had the worst day since things began to pick up on Wed, it actually affected me whilst working. I’ll explain, since the start of the year I’d managed to get some part time work, fitness work too but that’s on a freelance basis. This other work is a bit more regular and has been going since last Dec. It’s kept me in funds, given me training, new skills and more importantly kept me occupied and busy.

All good so far and it really has been. Yesterday though, for no real rhyme or reason I felt tired, empty and numb. I was in a daze and had the urge to just sit down and hide away. Which I did once or  twice. Whilst wandering about trying to find or do something, can’t recall which my general demeanor was picked up upon and I was asked, why I looked so happy, this was sarcasm, ignoring it and changing the subject I move don until someone who knows me and my recents and asked if I was ok. I briefly tried to say yes but this quickly changed to no. It’s odd but when people are nice to me and I’m keeping something inside, emotions whatever, the urge to break out in tears is strong and in fact happened when we briefly chatted. I went home after a hot drink together and on the way home is where it really started. Till then I’d never cried at the wheel before but this time, out it all came, thoughts flowed and so did my tears, making it tricky to drive. No music was played, which is odd for me but this time I wanted only silence.  Once or twice the urge to just put my foot down and drive into the river flashed into my mind. I also wanted to drive back to the old house, the former place where me and her lived together during the short relationship that was our marriage. Pretend like I was going home, pretend like nothing had happened, pretend I was ok and this was just a really depressing day-dream brought on by far too much listening to, Life of Agony.

But no. It wasn’t. I diverted quickly to a nearby pub I used to frequent with M and drove at speed to a space at the back of its car park where I cried some more and then eventually nodded off to which I awoke by the odd sound of my own snoring.

I then drove back and dove into bed, hiding from the world and myself once more.

So, here I am again. Unsure what day it is, sleeping late and feeling like I can switch between sleeping forever or sleeping never. Odd choice eh? But then that’s black I guess, always veering between extremes.

As long as I make it through the weekend.

CBT, yeh you know me!

So, been a while then yeh?

As Xmas approached I knew it would be a difficult time. Using a war-like metaphor, it would be an offensive that would be hard to repel. And sure enough it was.

I mentioned this on my Friendface account, how I’d like to miss xmas this year, like it says in that song? and was immediately rebuked for my un-Xmas attitude. Talk of, wallowing in self-pity, count yourself lucky you aren’t homeless, etc etc. Just what you need really.

M, you may recall her from a previous entry, where I’d been treated a bit rubbish by in the break up?  I ended up briefly in her bed just before Xmas, nothing rude just holding and cuddling which was wonderful and boosted me over Xmas.

It didn’t last. M barely spoke to me after that and a pressie I’d gotten for her, ‘Imported Pop Tart smores’ no less! She sowed about as much interest in receiving them as I would in receiving a flipping massive tax invoice. So they wait in my bag, uneaten. Ok, two packets of them uneaten. The other two, I did yum up. Better that than got to waste eh?

New Year’s was close to being a re-run of last year but a funny thing happened.  I was at a social gathering and sat alone I thought over the year, the break up, break down and everything else and started to feel as though I was sinking. Someone then came up to me and asked if I was ok and it snapped me out of it and I was up and dancing. Funny eh?

I also began CBT in Jan too and just finished it the other week. It was informative and interesting. The group itself wasn’t hugely open and barely chatty which I thought was a shame but I suppose is to be expected. For some reason I was expecting a big happy gathering where we’d all share our black experiences, have a laugh, maybe a cry and then sort out a weekly tea/coffee meeting at a local café where we’d share our continuing adventures in depression and whatever else mental condition we had. And during these meetings I’d meet a girl who was shy, but sweet into me and we’d help each other with our ‘issues’. No. None of that. We did get some chocolates at the end though and lot of homework and paperwork too. It did help a bit but I think it was the social side more than anything.

Still they did share some useful tools to implement when things get bad. Hopefully I can try and use them if and when they do.