Let's Pretend

I had the worst day since things began to pick up on Wed, it actually affected me whilst working. I’ll explain, since the start of the year I’d managed to get some part time work, fitness work too but that’s on a freelance basis. This other work is a bit more regular and has been going since last Dec. It’s kept me in funds, given me training, new skills and more importantly kept me occupied and busy.

All good so far and it really has been. Yesterday though, for no real rhyme or reason I felt tired, empty and numb. I was in a daze and had the urge to just sit down and hide away. Which I did once or  twice. Whilst wandering about trying to find or do something, can’t recall which my general demeanor was picked up upon and I was asked, why I looked so happy, this was sarcasm, ignoring it and changing the subject I move don until someone who knows me and my recents and asked if I was ok. I briefly tried to say yes but this quickly changed to no. It’s odd but when people are nice to me and I’m keeping something inside, emotions whatever, the urge to break out in tears is strong and in fact happened when we briefly chatted. I went home after a hot drink together and on the way home is where it really started. Till then I’d never cried at the wheel before but this time, out it all came, thoughts flowed and so did my tears, making it tricky to drive. No music was played, which is odd for me but this time I wanted only silence.  Once or twice the urge to just put my foot down and drive into the river flashed into my mind. I also wanted to drive back to the old house, the former place where me and her lived together during the short relationship that was our marriage. Pretend like I was going home, pretend like nothing had happened, pretend I was ok and this was just a really depressing day-dream brought on by far too much listening to, Life of Agony.

But no. It wasn’t. I diverted quickly to a nearby pub I used to frequent with M and drove at speed to a space at the back of its car park where I cried some more and then eventually nodded off to which I awoke by the odd sound of my own snoring.

I then drove back and dove into bed, hiding from the world and myself once more.

So, here I am again. Unsure what day it is, sleeping late and feeling like I can switch between sleeping forever or sleeping never. Odd choice eh? But then that’s black I guess, always veering between extremes.

As long as I make it through the weekend.