Blue Blue Electric Blue that’s the colour of my room...

waiting for sound and vision

Dreams? Odd at the moment, also they seem to be tinged with a certain amount of tension and sadness. It’s probably no coincidence that this is due to my poor attempt to come off my meds. I tried missing out alternate days and this has led me to take the proverbial one step forward two steps back. Recent dream was of my old school friend complaining about something I’d done 8 years previous. He then morphed into a monkey with a hand-grenade, pin was pulled and he then changed into a dog and brought the live grenade back to me. 

I tried to wrench it from his mouth and when I did and threw it away he brought it back. 

It went off nearby when I got it loose again but didn't really do much. I didn't seem that panicky about it either.

Waking up I feel awful right now, kinda like I've had a monster of a gym session followed by an even bigger monster of a CV workout. Then when I've finally awoken I’m anxious, angry and tense, tense and anxious or angry tense and anxious. Oh deary me. Lesson learned there then. Regardless of that I’m now back to where I was trying hard not to let it all collapse around me and let those mind demons run amok let they've just been allowed a day out amongst my head tearing up all my tentative plans for the future and graffiti-ing, ‘No chance! Forever to be this way, Give it up!’ all over my new mind walls of delicate optimism, such as they are. SI is strong as is the odd urge to binge and purge with food. New one that and am not too sure where it has come from. No-one sees itI suppose and it’s fairly concealable up to a point, not like SI that can be detected sometimes. In the name of no-one’s really sure, is this where my head is at now? Think I’ll stuff my face with a warmed up choccy muffin and wash it down with some tea. A nicer gentler way of self inflicted damage I think.