It's that time of the year again...

Divided me and Conquered

When I was on my way to Uni practicals at the start of the week a thought came to me which was that when it comes to events and experiences I view them this way. 
They are obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. 
It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I can't really see it changing. In fact as I've gotten older it seems to be that more marked. Everyday events, getting a train to someplace is, for me, an exercise in controlling my mounting anxiety at such a task. The location of the seat, if I'll even get a seat, will the platform be full with lots of passengers waiting to get on the same train?
The same goes for entering a coffee house. Is it a big queue? Will the shop be full? Will I have any place to sit? Can I sit near the exit? And on and on it goes. It just seems like these last few years or so have been harder to control those fears. It was something I could just about control but now it seems as though it is controlling me. I also know that when my anxiety is too bad and my black is equally so that is when I get ready to Control, Alt, Delete.
I've lost many battles, as I have blogged here countless times the war continues until I don't. 
It will be my choice whether or not that happens.

What happened to forever?

Wise Wisdom

It won't be long until the anniversary of my wedding, now first and only wedding, which will also coincide with the anniversary of the split/divorce. When I was a little younger I used to think that going through marriages and the such like would offer one some sort of wisdom, give one a certain take on life and make you exude sagacious wiseness. Internally I also tend to think that this has given me some sort of life experience which will in turn present me as being wise and having some wisdom on certain life experiences. Which it has to a certain extent but really all it has done is turn my heart a little harder. Now when I say this I don't mean it is the hardest of hearts as hard as stone more like it has a brittle inner that is shielding a much softer inner. All that experience has given me is a fear of becoming close and intimate to someone again. I'm not as wise as I think I am.
Lately she has been on my mind but mostly I think it's the past and those good times and feelings from that time that are on my mind, whether I want to admit that or not. The urge to get in contact with her is strong. As is the urge to go back to a time when we were together living in that small town and all that came with it. how quickly would I go back to relive that period and all it's mistakes in an attempt to rectify them and perhaps change the future? 
All too readily, I'm afraid.
And what is the one thing that calms me down, from not only this but all that is entwined with this black of mine?
Facing the end is what.
Sitting on the edge.....

Struggle Within (reprise)

No matter how many times I seem to get to this point or reach this level of feeling I still can't seem to shake it or get used to it. An event comes up I get nervous and immediately I yearn for me wife, my ex-wife. On and on it goes with no real lessening of the intensity of feelings. 
I really don't know how to shift it. And if I do attempt to shift the nerves, which is usually me cancelling something, that results in a brief pause of that feeling and annoyed feelings from who or whatever it is I have cried off from. 
I can only imagine the depth and intensity of feeling that will result from the forthcoming big move at the end of the summer.
It's like I'm in some ineffable maze that I can't find my way out of no matter which way I turn. I try the same route but always end up back to the same. Sometimes distraction works but when-ever it comes back to my mind it sometimes feels worse in it's intensity.
I really don't know what to do. 
Again.

Terry Pratchett :(

Another passing of a favourite.
I know I'm getting older when those in the public eye that I like/admire or respect have died.
The Reaper Man was my first of his and still a favourite of mine. I was drawn to it by the fantastic cover art and then reading it, well, after that I was a fan.

Day to Day

I read this a few months ago on this football website. It describes a football manager but the last few words resonate greatly with me.

"Defensive indignation is never far from his psyche and there is always an air of melancholy about him these days, as though he feels cheated by life, somehow.

.....mirroring, as it does, our own sense that somewhere along the way we messed things up royally and are still paying the price."

That last line about, 'messing up royally' and 'still paying the price' really hit home for me as with the passing of these past few years that is what it feels like. That I'm being punished.

On the days where the clouds are thin and wispy I'm ok but even then it just feels as though that I'm waiting for it all to hit again. The day when those clouds will re-form and obscure everything.

With a move abroad on the way this fear increases. The what ifs start to mount. What if I'm bad when over there? What if I have days there that I have here?

For now I'm trying not to think of it though it is difficult. I'm starting to think that it will never shift. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should think of it never shifting? If I do perhaps it will stop me putting everything into an all or nothing scenario all the time. Perhaps my acceptance will take the pressure off? Even if I do take this line I think it will take time for me to believe in it. I think taking it day to day is my only answer. Letting that thought take hold moment to moment. As horrible as the thought is it may be my only way to escape all of this even if it is only a partial one.

Three

3

3 years since the divorce.

Might as well be 3 months. Then again it might as well be 3 decades. Both time spans feel familiar depending on what sort of day I’m having. If there is one thing I have learned in that time it is that you are constantly trying and learn to live without that former permanent presence in your life. I know that sounds like a blatantly obvious thing to type but there you go. It’s not only trying to carry on without them but also learning to shut away those things about them that you liked and found comforting. Learning that, if the day comes when and if you meet someone else, everything will be new and that sometimes that newness can be scary and disruptive. But it has to be. Everything has to be new. Trying to think of the next one as a revamped former will only lead to more messy heartache. It’s easy to forget how comforting a partner can be, their likes and little ways become a part of you and your day to day life. The way you can both shut out the world briefly and just enjoy each others company with a DVD and some wine and some intimate chatter that is something you miss acutely.

There is also something else that becomes apparent and something I’d rather not have to live with. That being past mistakes in the relationship in the magnifying glass of your mind’s eye with an all too apparent HD like clarity. It’s there whether you want it to be or not, stood there; silently staring at you breathing softly but noisily in that way that lets you know they are there. Past arguments, mistakes that you would have done differently if given the chance to go back, everything.

'Hey, remember that time when you weren't nice during that argument?'

Not now.

‘Deal with me.’

I can’t.

‘Remember me.’

I don’t want to.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’

And the guilt grows with nowhere to go with no way to assuage it or even manage it. 

I just have to hope that time will allow it to shrink away because what else can I do with it?

There may be some hope as the last few times I have dreamt about her I no longer wake up wanting the dream to carry on or waking up in an emotional state.

It’s not much but after these last few years it’s a... well, see below.