What'll I do

Coming home on the train from Wales away my final exam last week left me lots of thinking time as I listened to MSP. It was a grey rainy sky and that always leads me towards maudlin thinking but this time I couldn't help but think back to the marriage and what might have been signposts towards its eventual decline. Mostly though I thought back to the moments leading up to the big leave and the horrible atmosphere and feelings that it generated. The knock away of my hand when we were in bed when I reached out to hold her, that morning kiss that was a staple of her morning routine before she left for work by kissing me on the forehead, all of that gone. It also made me think back to those dreams that we'd both share, particularly the ones where one of us would end up leaving the other and the awful feelings that would engender in us. It would upset us both to have such a dream and promises of it never happening to us were always made. 

Who knew that they would actually come true? The background of the whys were never explained in the dram. If they had maybe she wouldn't have been so forthcoming with the promises and the such like?

'I had a dream last night whereby I left you. It was horrible. Until I realised that I'd left you because you had depression. After that I didn't feel so bad.'

So out of these thoughts and feelings came on the trip home and I let them too. Hiding them away or pushing them down into hidden darkness it ok for a part time solution but it eventually always come back bobbling to the surface. The next day it was better. I didn't feel too down about it and managed to construct a few days of gym and tasks that needed doing. However, that feeling, that yearning to have someone to hold and tell my problems to and for them to tell me theirs still exists. It's not as troublesome as it was but yeh, it's still there. 

I suppose now I'm a bit more prepared for it, that is true but it still hurts. Well, not so much hurts as aches.

The below song was playing on my mind when thinking back to those feelings and ties in nicely with those dreams we both used to have.

Out of the Picture

It's odd that dreams can potentially shape a whole day upon waking. During the the fallout from the divorce they'd pretty much set the tone for the day, mood wise. Lately I thought I had gotten over that particular problem as the dreams I'd had about my ex-wife had less of a hold on me, as shown by the last blog entry. Until this morning that is. My sleep has been all over the place again and last night sleep was slow in coming. It was that slow that I could feel the full effects of my medication, the nausea, the drowsiness without the sleep and the un-rest in my legs. By the time I was due to get up my head was in a fuzz so what followed was more drowsy sleep and a dream of me and her, back in that small house in that small town almost as if nothing had happened or changed. When I woke up it felt as if I'd changed places, the reality was really the dream and the dream was really reality. For a split second or so that was the case until it faded away like a morning mist meeting the sun. The combination of the meds and that dream left me feeling utterly bereft. I haven't felt that bad over a dream for quite a while and the urge to hide away in bed was and is strong but so far I am just about resisting. Rightly or wrongly I was considering coming off my meds, mostly due to their aide effects which, as mentioned, can leave me feeling out of sorts. After this morning though it does give me pause for thought. Am I ready? I suppose whatever I decide these moments of missing will remain. At the moment it all feels like one step forward two steps back...

This was a song that played in my head as I awoke. It was one of her favs and one that reminds me of her.

I feel like the colour blue...

In the aftermath of the UK General Election I am feeling somewhat down. Not my usual down that is associated with that illness just a general sort of down. The result hasn't helped, what will happen to the already over-strained mental health services with them in charge keen of ever more cuts? but it seems to be more down to her not being here. I think it started with a dream that involved her as the TV played on with the in-coming Election results in the background early this morning. I had it on my mind to get to the gym and cinema to watch the new Avengers film. This morphed from thinking about going on my own to then considering going with her before I woke up and gradually realised that wasn't going to be possible. The result is now this residual feeling of miss and loss. I suppose it is some mark of the progress I have made without her that had this been months ago I would have been feeling even worse about it but as it is I'm feeling down, a little empty, yes but not in near despair as would have been more my previously usual reaction. Whenever the feeling of loss comes up or that feeling of dull ache crops up, especially today, I tend to browse dating sites in a superficial attempt to quiet it down. It rarely works and is no substitute for an all embracing hug but it seems to quell it for a few minutes or so. But that full ache comes back. That empty space of hers is sometimes so apparent and tangible that I don't know quite what to do with it or how to deal with its effects. It is getting better but the ache still lingers on as does my mind that always goes back to see what mistakes I made in the marriage. A fruitless task but something I struggle to stop especially on days like these.

Life After God

"Time is how the trees grow. I will fall asleep for a thousand years and when I wake a mighty spruce tree will have raised me up high, high into the sky."

Life After God: Douglas Coupland

Hidden away

Despite my current stable mood, even with the seemingly on-going over-sleeping that is again taking hold, I am very mindful of that black returning. Thinking about Robin William's passing and of others that I have read about I can't help but wonder if that black dog is, although out of sight, waiting in the shadows quietly biding it's time before leaping out  to encompass me once more. That fear of it one day pushing me close to that edge where perhaps I take my life this time, is there. It's hidden away but I know it's there, packed away for the time being but it's right there and always will be. Facing up to having this illness for the rest of my days is scary and, even now despite me knowing it, is a lot to digest but knowing that I could go through this all over again is something I don't even want to think about. Mostly this is because I don't know what I would do if faced with it again. It takes it's toll, depression, sucks the life out of you, robbing you of the ability to feel for anything, things you used to enjoy, people and events you used to like attending, it goes to only leave you with not much at all aside from the dwindling ability to just about stay in bed and make a cup of tea and maybe watch a film or something. Those are small victory days. I've had plenty of them and the thought of going back to that brings me to mind of that Bruce Springsteen lyrics, 
'...end up like a dog that's been beat too much 'till you spend half your life just covering up.'