Think I'll give it a miss this year

The hating half of me.....

I found out today the result of that job interview I went to London for this morning. Well, I say this morning as in when it was sent but in reality I actually received once I woke up from a half slumber/half awake daze.

The news was good, very good. I’m in. Unfortunately due to it being one of those days it hasn’t really sunk it yet. I’m sure it will but right now it has had little effect on me. Which, I suppose, proves quite starkly that depression is not solely mood based, by that I mean it isn’t a case of feeling a bit down until the next mood or bit of good news comes along and hey, I’m fine now! It’ll suck the life out of you regardless of what’s going on in your life. Admittedly, I knew this, it, obviously, being borne out of direct contact with the illness more than anything but it was good to have it tested out directly.

…has won the battle easily

I have no idea why I’m how I am today. I can’t see any links to any triggers that sometimes preclude such emptiness. I just feel worn and empty. It’s not even that extreme blackness I've had before this time it’s more grey, a deep steel grey cloudy sky of a day that keeps threatening rain but keeps it back, instead suffocating the day with its continual cover and bleached colour. 

Or, basically, it’s a bad day.

A small worry has crept min with the news too, what of my meds? 

What of days like these that ruin everything? Will I have them over there? And what if I do, what then? I've yet to see or sign the contract and I’m already worrying. 

Have a day off will ya brain?!

But it won’t. It never will. 

When it does keep quiet it’s only slumbering until the next time.

London calling

I had a trip to London at the start of this week regarding a potential job abroad. The last time I went to London was about a year ago prior to leaving for Boston. 
What I was still pleased about was that I still do enjoy going to London, it hasn't lost it's novelty factor for me yet. 
Time spent travelling whether by road or rail and looking at the passing streets with their famous names and the big landmarks still make me smile inwardly and outwardly. When going I always make sure that I have certain songs on my player too that evoke the capital whenever I play them.

They are:
The Streets 'Original Pirate Material'
Madness anything and everything by them
The Jam, again anything and everything by them
Trainspotting soundtrack

When I used to gig and before I-pods and before I had the funds to buy one I used to take my portable CD player and in that I would place the aforementioned albums. 
It could be a bit awkward, carrying those cd's and the suchlike but I had to have music with me when travelling. For one thing, it helps create a mood and it also always calms me down. It's something I've done since I was a child and had a cassette Walkman copy player. 
I remember one occasion where a teacher suggested I used one when I was on a school trip in France back in 1985. 
I was feeling ill and very homesick and after I just about managed to calm down the teacher suggested using a pal's Walkman to listen to and so I did just before sleep and in bed. It worked and is something I've used ever since, whether to calm myself down when younger and travelling or to relax and fall asleep to and sink in to after a bad day, of which I've had a few these past few years. Recently certain albums and songs have really connected with me whenever I've had bad times and if I haven't listened to those tunes for a while it's almost like an aural blanket that welcomes and envelopes me when I plug in to those tunes, those soothing and understanding tunes. It almost feels as if we have a direct connection from song to head, a main line. And it feels wonderful, like an audio hot water bottle.

This song I've put here is by The Streets. I love the song and it was one I listened to before going out on the sauce and when I'd come back as well. I don't know what it is about the song, maybe it's the tower block cover or just the theme of the tunes but it always puts me in mind of London, despite Mike Skinner being from Birmingham and mentioned that city in the song. Still, songs rarely make sense when they evoke what they do and for me this tune will always be associated with London and trying to keep those nerves at bay.
Enjoy.

Meme time

Wishing Well

This past Monday I had a little lapse. It had all started well enough but after browsing in some shops, looking for something but generally just nosing around I started to think back to when me and her used to shop. It was probably because a shop that I was in was one we did actually shop together in, only the once but it still brought to life a previously dormant memory. And as that memory came and went I saw other couples shopping together and the memory became stronger. Even leaving the shop didn't help and as I began to slowly trudge around the shopping centre I could almost see me and her walking around shopping as we had done those four years ago in my mind's eyes. As it happened I briefly wished that I could forgo everything just to go back and start again with her. 

Couldn't I? Please?

'Memories haunt me like a curse'

After that I felt myself draining away and it wasn't until I started my day’s activities that I forgot it all. It seems the only way I can keep it at bay. 

Still.

Wishes. I wish, I wish, I wish. If there was a wishing well it would surely have run dry by now. Would I really want to go back? Probably not. Even if that magical reality came true all it would do is reset the clock. All I’d be doing is rewinding the film, playing it over and over, enjoying the scenes time and again. But sooner or later the film has to stop, it has to reach it’s ending, it's conclusion no matter how painful or sad it is. With Xmas shopping now in full flow, the sight of couples and families shopping is difficult to endure and no matter who hard I wish I’ll never be able to rewind the film. Because right now and I'm sure in time to come I will want to rewind my film.

Today is a bad day.

'Let me hide under the sheets...'

Winter is Coming

Recently my dreams have been quite vivid. One I had recently had me watching a thick freezing fog slowly envelope me and all the while I knew it was happening and that I couldn't do anything about it. I think I was describing it as it was happening to me, knowing that it would be hard to escape from. I’m hoping that this was more a reflective type of dream rather than anything of a forewarning. 

Really hoping. Hoping hard. And my ex-wife has featured in these dreams too. I can’t remember how she featured but I do know that she did feature in them. 

My dreams, depending on what I’m up to do that day, tend to be layered. A big involved dream, wake up briefly and then lots of little dreams afterwards. Those dreams still unsettle me but at least they don’t ruin me for the day like they used to. But they still leave an imprint. I don’t know how long it will take until I’m free of her and the past. Maybe I never will be. But where does that leave me with regards to future relationships? It makes me very nervous indeed and not at all keen to pursue one. The trouble is I am craving going out with female company, window shopping, coffee shop chats, playful flirting meals and the such like but it’s not happening right now but considering what I've just written maybe that’s just as well? To pursue or not to pursue?

And if that wasn't bad enough, Xmas is coming. 

Xmas’ for me haven’t been the best, last year’s after my return from the US was particularly bad and seemed to be the precursor to an awful start to the new year. I did have plans to leave for another country but the problem with that was being alone and having no agenda as to what to do when away. Maybe it would have made me feel worse? I’m not sure but I wasn't keen on taking the risk so here I will stay this Xmas. I had dreams about y fears in the summer, I was worrying about it that much but the dreams had me doing other things, coaching in Germany, time spent in the US, enjoying Xmas and completely forgetting my previous bad Xmas’ and previous Xmas worry. 

Now hopefully those dreams were a foretelling of a possible future. 

That’s what I’m hoping. Really hoping.

The loneliness of the goalkeeper

Whenever I arrive in a new place, be it city or shop I'm always comforted by the presence of foreign students or newly arrived immigrants. This is because seeing them and hearing them makes me feel less isolated and alone because I know that they too are getting used to their surroundings and a potential new routine as well as me. 
It started years ago when I used to gig in London. I used to feel like a tiny any lost among the throng of locals. It didn't take too long for me to soon moan about the tourists and their incorrect use of the tube escalator like the natives but it is something I still seem to fall back on whenever in a new situation.
At the moment I'm playing 11-a-side football as goalkeeper. This is a stressful position at the best of times and may seem an odd choice considering my depressive past and current present. Since reading Robert Enke's biography, A life too short, it inspired me to get back into it all. It was the last position I played at 6th form so it seemed a natural position to get back into. What I didn't take into account, however, was my state of mind in playing. The nerves, the fear of messing it up, thoughts of others and general pressure of play. All of these mixed together presented a mountain to try and climb. My first game this season went to expectations that I had to deal with. My first game pretty much matched those expectations as in it went badly. First shot on my goal, I rushed it and it went between my legs. 
Swallow me up now ground, swallow me up now! It didn't and after that it got a little bit better, hey, it couldn't have gotten any worse could it? 
It's a lonely position but for all the perceived minus' it suits me to play it. It's taken a long time but I finally seem comfortable playing and do, just about, look forward to playing it.
I have had my moments of not playing and thinking up an excuse to not play when at my lowest. Like I've stated previously on this blog I'm getting quite good at lying. It has helped me enormously. It's just a lot easier than saying, 'Hey, I'm having a bad day. Probably best if I don't play today.' 
I just dare not risk putting that out there yet.