The wobble is proving more than just a wobble. More like an unbalanced decent into free fall if this keeps on going. Yesterday I felt bad and today, well, I just gave up. Mornings are fraught with the possibilities of anxiety and me acting on those anxieties.
It doesn't help that my sleep is a bit erratic so sometimes I end up oversleeping. Mostly it's because once I stay in bed beyond 5-10 minutes of turning the alarm off I get comfy, give up and nod off and then totally give up when I see the time. I had two things to do today but by mid-day I had given them up, one of them trying to go back to my old creative ways with regards to why I wasn't going to be there today. I have yet to see the reply. It wouldn't surprise me if they told me to go away and never bother them again. Actually, it would and it would upset me but I think that that sort of response is the type I fear, the type I actually expect. Or rather that black part of me expects.
It's what I expect no matter what I do or where I go. Whether it is football, going back to fitness or military I expect them to tell me to get lost as I'm a waste of space that isn't any use or any good at whatever it is that I am trying to do with them. 'Just fuck off will you?!'
My mind is always waiting for that to be bellowed. I think this explains my reticence to do things or participate in them. My inner narrative subconsciously thinks,
'Why put yourself through it all? You know what will happen. You will fail, make a prat of yourself and though they may not say it they will think it.'
Is this the depression still or what's left over from it? I don't know anymore.
The only thing I do know is that it is extremely tiring and wearing.
And if all of that wasn't enough, the 26th March is fast approaching. What would have been the 5th anniversary of my first marriage is coming at me when I'm feeling low.
Great timing as ever.
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Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Monday, 14 March 2016
Wobble
I suppose I cannot continue on with my life and not expect the odd wobble. The relief you have from getting through that long dense period of black can be quite spellbinding though and any threat of its return makes you fretful. I have had some wobbles before after such periods but it always un-nerves me some because there is always that fear of returning back to it fully. I had one a couple of weeks ago.
It wasn't awful but it was enough to unsteady me. I felt it after a particularly hard run the day before and wondered if the run had anything to do with it but I suppose I cant really be sure. Whatever it was or wasn't the next day was a slump. The usual feelings coupled with that heavy weight feeling were ever present and left me in bed, keen to cancel any and all activities. It's always as soon as I wake up. The fear. That panic, that anxious oppressive feeling which determines what I do or rather what I won't do in the coming hours. It wasn't nearly as bad as times before but it was bad enough to make me want to lie low, hide away from everything. Thankfully it only lasted a day or so but it did scare me. This is what I feared prior to my return home from abroad. A return to how I was.
At the moment only the odd little wobble has seen me return to anything like that, for the most part I have been clear of all that but it's hard not to be concerned and worry about it. Keeping out and away from it, that's my goal because a return to it is just too much to bear.
It wasn't awful but it was enough to unsteady me. I felt it after a particularly hard run the day before and wondered if the run had anything to do with it but I suppose I cant really be sure. Whatever it was or wasn't the next day was a slump. The usual feelings coupled with that heavy weight feeling were ever present and left me in bed, keen to cancel any and all activities. It's always as soon as I wake up. The fear. That panic, that anxious oppressive feeling which determines what I do or rather what I won't do in the coming hours. It wasn't nearly as bad as times before but it was bad enough to make me want to lie low, hide away from everything. Thankfully it only lasted a day or so but it did scare me. This is what I feared prior to my return home from abroad. A return to how I was.
At the moment only the odd little wobble has seen me return to anything like that, for the most part I have been clear of all that but it's hard not to be concerned and worry about it. Keeping out and away from it, that's my goal because a return to it is just too much to bear.
Friday, 19 February 2016
Moving on but remembering the time
A couple of months back from another country and half a year since I last took meds.
How do I feel after all of this? Ok actually. When I wake up now I still have that mild panic but it's not as oppressive as it used to be when in the middle of the black and being on meds. Waking up could be an exercise in itself sometimes as I probably mentioned on previous blogs entries and although it still has it's moments they do pass and I can get up. Eventually.
My motivation has lessened as work and various other things have failed to come through but I still try and get up. I try and busy myself with exercise and various courses online and I still want to learn another language even though it is really slow progress. It feels like I am at last moving on. Admittedly I still do have thoughts and yearnings about her. Mostly I think they are about the time and what we had, the shared existence and life but damn, they are intoxicating. If I think about them of too long well, it lowers the mood obviously but sometimes I can't help but briefly visit them either by accident, a song or photo blowing up the memory for me or that missing feeling that sometimes crops up bringing her and that time to the front of my mind. Compared to last year though, when I had my pre-V Day wobble it is much better, both in terms of her and the black within me. I still have anxiety about things, certainly new things but I have moved on and progressed and have some resilience now. It took time and it has left me with scars but my scars mean that I am still here and that is something. Certainly when I look back over to that blog entry from late 2012 it is. Progress may be slow but it is progress. I am moving forwards.
And as to her...
How do I feel after all of this? Ok actually. When I wake up now I still have that mild panic but it's not as oppressive as it used to be when in the middle of the black and being on meds. Waking up could be an exercise in itself sometimes as I probably mentioned on previous blogs entries and although it still has it's moments they do pass and I can get up. Eventually.
My motivation has lessened as work and various other things have failed to come through but I still try and get up. I try and busy myself with exercise and various courses online and I still want to learn another language even though it is really slow progress. It feels like I am at last moving on. Admittedly I still do have thoughts and yearnings about her. Mostly I think they are about the time and what we had, the shared existence and life but damn, they are intoxicating. If I think about them of too long well, it lowers the mood obviously but sometimes I can't help but briefly visit them either by accident, a song or photo blowing up the memory for me or that missing feeling that sometimes crops up bringing her and that time to the front of my mind. Compared to last year though, when I had my pre-V Day wobble it is much better, both in terms of her and the black within me. I still have anxiety about things, certainly new things but I have moved on and progressed and have some resilience now. It took time and it has left me with scars but my scars mean that I am still here and that is something. Certainly when I look back over to that blog entry from late 2012 it is. Progress may be slow but it is progress. I am moving forwards.
And as to her...
Forgetting you but not the time
Wednesday, 13 January 2016
The Return
Time off of meds, time and distance from the black after 3 and a half years and living and working in another country. In that time away I had 1 maybe 2 low points that were more to do with the former wife, another dream about her, and time spent in a house with 5 other blokes. I got to enjoy a different culture, way of living, way of driving(?!) and how coaching is viewed by some over there.
I also learned, mostly through the living with 5 others, that I have changed since my black. In as much as my tolerance for people giving me crap, or as some call it 'banter', has dropped considerably. I don't mind receiving as long as they can take the return. That they could not became apparent quite quickly and so the situation became quite stressful and miserable at times living with a virtual bully.
I won't be returning to the organisation that I worked for which is probably just as well as I wouldn't have lasted long with that person in the house. However it does mean that I won't be able to return to my teams or the players and parents I had started to form relationships with and whose company and learning I was starting to enjoy help move along.
My experience, for the most part, was wonderful for a variety of reasons. Not least because it felt as though I was finally clear of the second great depression which had stuck around for a long time. The fear of it returning is something I will have to try and live with but for now I am doing ok.
I also learned, mostly through the living with 5 others, that I have changed since my black. In as much as my tolerance for people giving me crap, or as some call it 'banter', has dropped considerably. I don't mind receiving as long as they can take the return. That they could not became apparent quite quickly and so the situation became quite stressful and miserable at times living with a virtual bully.
I won't be returning to the organisation that I worked for which is probably just as well as I wouldn't have lasted long with that person in the house. However it does mean that I won't be able to return to my teams or the players and parents I had started to form relationships with and whose company and learning I was starting to enjoy help move along.
My experience, for the most part, was wonderful for a variety of reasons. Not least because it felt as though I was finally clear of the second great depression which had stuck around for a long time. The fear of it returning is something I will have to try and live with but for now I am doing ok.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
That's it
Now, however, I'm worrying like my old self as I try and think ahead and think what I need to do with regards to my summer holiday job that I'm leaving for this week. Anxiety has always been a problem with me and more so whenever some sort of change enters my life. Like I've mentioned before I never seem to be able to enjoy experiences I always see them as obstacles to be overcome, especially with this anxiety that fuels everything. I don't know how to smooth it, even with all this experience of dealing with it behind me. I just tend to worry worry worry and then do it. I need to find another way, especially when it comes to calming myself down. That I have yet to really find. I'm hoping more experience will help and do what it sometimes does and desensitize me to future worries and anxieties.
Time will tell. Again.
But for now, I have a trip to get ready for.
"Brace yourself, cos this goes deep
I'll show you the secrets, the sky and the birds
Actions speak louder than words
Stand by me my apprentice
Be brave, clench fists...."
Sunday, 9 August 2015
This is....
It's getting nearer.
The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken.
For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that.
Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places.
I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I?
It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds.
On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it.
For now.
Picture time
The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken.
For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that.
Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places.
I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I?
It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds.
On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it.
For now.
Picture time
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
Blow Me One Last Kiss
So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life.
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor.
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.
'Be brave, clench fists...'
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor.
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.
'Be brave, clench fists...'
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