Monday, 12 August 2013

Uncomfortably Numb

Nothing really feels the same anymore.
I seem to have reached an odd apex of numbness.
I also seem to have this odd sensation of there being an inevitability about all of this.
At times I used to SI to feel, sometimes to alleviate certain feelings but now even that holds no sway over me.
Just before I mentioned trying to admit myself previously on here, the night before I SI quite extensively on myself, my thigh is still bearing the faded strawberry lines from it almost two months later. Afterwards, I realised that I wouldn't SI again. I'd reached the end. It no longer felt useful, not the best term but I can't think of anything else that fits.
When I wrote before about breaking, it was in front of my mother. 
What set it off? Tipping some veg from a pan onto my plate and it sat in a messy way which for some reason broke something inside of me like breadstick. Throwing a spatula, kicking the cloakroom door, smashing my fists into the stairs followed by much tears, while my mother tried to help me as best she could but getting teary herself, seeing her son in such a state and not being to help him. So down to the Dr's I went, as you may or may not have already read.
And now here I am. 

... but the pain lingers on

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