Friday, 30 August 2013

I wonder what you're doing now...

I had a dream about her the other night and in the dream, life was as it was, me and her living together, getting on. The big change being we'd got back together. All very nice in my dream state but reality wise, a no-go especially from me. 
Irregardless of that, I do think about her and sometimes, I do miss her greatly.
I miss those moments of sharing; what I've done in my day, the good days and the bad, the moments of frustration at traffic-wardens (Especially today!), other drivers, the journey home, the excitement at my forthcoming course and what it may bring and what it could could mean in the future. My acting classes and how she started the ball rolling with regards to even acting in the first place. 
Now? Well now there's no-one there. Just a sense of wanting to start a sentence with a slight build up of whatever to spill out and then, a sigh of, oh yeh.
It feels like it's only now, over a year later that the divorce is finally sinking in. All that has gone before and during seem to have obscured it somewhat but now, now it feels like, she's gone. Bugger.
I miss her. 
Time will see me pull away from past memories of her, I know but a lingering sense of loss will always hang around me like faint stain you can never rid yourself off from a white shirt. There are 'her' reminders all the time, small, big and minor. Some still that are triggered from something small that quickly roll towards something else 'her' related.
Out shopping, I scan the sweet breads for something on a Saturday morning. 
Waffles? Croissants? I could... no. I can't now. It's a 4 pack. With 'her' easy but now, pointless. I won't be able to get through them on my own and anyway, it'll be too, me and her times past. Coffee? Ground, perhaps some cream? No. That was something I'd have with her, me with my coffee her with her fruit teas, me being the brew master, making both for a relaxed Saturday with maybe some TV catch up or some movie time, hoping that it'll rain so we can stay indoors, cuddle up and not feel a strange sense of guilt for staying in it it isn't.
So many memories that are now so redundant.

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