Saturday, 14 September 2013

There's no escape (reprise)

Many moons ago after I'd puffed and panted my way through a fitness test and was about to face a two week training course, one phrase kept repeating itself over and over in my head.
There's no escape.
Being the geeky type and having been mad on Star Wars when a kid, and let's face it part of me still is as a fully grown adult, the phrase is from 'The Empire Strikes Back' and is something Vader utters with wheezy menace at a battered Luke Skywalker on the steps of the carbon chamber in the cloud city of Bespin during their big lightsaber showdown. 
It's something that used to play in my mind whenever I felt I was in a place that I, well, couldn't escape. Lately it has popped back into my mind and this time I think there really is no escape.
My former wife. Yep, her again. Well, her memory.
It's playing a lot lately and I can't seem to shake it not the feeling that I miss her, want a hug from her and also a return to that small town we used to inhabit during our early days together. Simple times during moments of stress I guess. At the moment there is no comfort except in the form of brief memory flashbacks, which also, conversely, make things worse with their past echoes of our time together. And of course, it's always the good times and never the bad isn't it?
What to do? I've no idea. The idea of closure is anathema to me and I hate the term, it being more of an armchair US talk show type term, that, in reality means naff all. 
Peace perhaps would be a better term; being at peace with me and her and the situation as is, but I don't know. Again, I'm not sure where the depression begins and the divorce ends and vice-versa.  
It's all so damn wearing.
There's no escape.

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