Monday, 12 January 2015

This act of creation will save me from despair

I don't know how it exactly started. Was it the thought of her and the intense feeling of missing her, her presence, her calming presence that was the beginning? Or was it the general sense of darkness that slowly started to envelope me, gently but ever so surely until I didn't even realise that I was up to my neck in it? 
I felt bad, mentally and physically and by the time I got myself to bed and plugged in the Manics I was trying hard not to let it succumb. But succumb it did as it usually does and when it did feelings and thoughts soon turned to suicide. Suicide to stop all of this. It also became apparent to me that sometimes my suicidal thoughts are there to actually calm me down, soothe me, as off the wall as that sounds. Mostly they seem to pop up when I can't see a way out of this. All I can see are flat moments, the odd plateau, when I try and look ahead. If I look hard can I see another chance at a long term relationship? A career, a stable one without all of this...  illness?

Can't let love back in....

That's even assuming I try and properly look for one and stop my messing about browsing and being ignored on that POF site. The one chance I had for a relationship there, well it wasn't the right time. I think I was holding back. Miss C seemed to think so.
I think deep down I'm scared of what will happen if I do connect with someone, face to face, and a relationship begins. It could start off great, stars, rainbows, good shared times and feelings but what if it strikes? What if it strikes when we've established a good relationship? Will she be understanding or will she start off like that and ultimately do what my ex did and well, do one? Can I really go through that, put myself through that again? That's a lot of 'ifs' I know but still, the thoughts are there. How can they be not after last time?

Today hasn't been the best. I shut out the rest and made the best excuse I could to get out of my scheduled things for today, hiding under the covers, eating little -doritos, cereal, olives-  and mostly watching DVDs. It's days like these that scare me the most, especially when I consider the new job and new country that awaits me later this year.
When I was a kid I always thought that as soon as I was older, a grown up, it would be easier and that everything would be sorted and stable. I'd be instantly liked and respected because I was an older wiser adult and that life would be sorted. I'd also have a mustache.
Not quite eh?
Apart from the 'tache during November. 
That bit's simple. Not quite so the rest.

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