Now that the nights are drawing in and the air is getting colder that all too familiar sense of panic and hibernation is starting to rise to the surface. some days it feels like I'm in a Pink Floyd video; a grey background with the occasional bright objects taking up the view. This sense of self comes every year, near enough without fail and you would think I would be used to it by now but well, I'm not. I have remedies for them and so far, the way my work schedule is, they are keeping it at bay. So far.
The usual music, reading, movie, video games, hiding in bed, avoiding people if I don't need to go out and see them, so far these have helped and keep me stable. It is challenging though. None more so than the other week when the thought of my taking my life popped into my head. That is usually a sign of it coming back in a big way when that happens. thankfully though it was a quick thought, a flash of an idea rather than something that stuck around like it did before. But it was a warning.
The question that does nag at me though is what will I do if it does come back?
Can I go through it all again?
That is a question I try to keep at bay as I don't think I will like the answer.