Black flowers blossom...

When the black is this all encompassing and so constant you sometimes wonder to yourself if it is worth talking about anymore. I’m sure that certain people and certain friends are bored of it by now and probably fed up with hearing about my black. Lately I have learned who I can and can’t off-load on. I always imagine some have this mind set of whenever I see them or want to talk to them of, ‘Oh great, here he comes with his black cloud bring down everyone attitude. Change the record will you?!’ Do they? I dunno. I’ve asked one or two this and they’ve been nice enough to say, ‘Don’t be so bloody silly’. But sometimes I wonder if I should keep it quiet. I know I’ve bored myself with this so naturally it’s bound to have bored those closest to me. Such as they are right now because I think it’s a pretty small circle. But maybe it’s better if it is, less damage control with regards to this illness right now.

I had a dream the other morning, firstly about various dead and rotting animals, which was odd and kinda disturbing and then a dream which featured my former. When I awoke for a second or so I thought it had been real and then reality seeped in around me and oh yeh, bugger, I dreamt it. In it I tried to talk to her and she responded a little. It seemed as if she’d been trying to avoid me and when I saw her she looked upset and surprised. The usual came out, why weren’t you talking to me? Why the avoidance? To which she replied I hear you’ve been doing fine and I said so have you from what I’ve heard and she smiled at this. This came from me hearing she’d been out clubbing and my mind putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with whatever it wants. But to me it was something, a reaching out it was better than what I’ve had so far which has been nowt. As sad as it sounds dreams are my only way of contacting her. Sad I know but what else can I do? My mind is struggling and I’m struggling. The ability to cope is dissolving and has been for a while. What’s left isn’t much, just a patchwork of joined up nerves odds, ends and biscuit crumbs.

I was reflecting on something said to me last week when I’d told them I’d stopped writing (not this obviously, fiction writing) and I’d explained too many set backs had robbed my initial enthusiasm. Her reply has stuck with me because she replied thusly,  ‘How many slaps in the face can you take before you say stop?’  You see, for all the bravado and simple uplifting style slogans from movie and song the fact remains there is only so much a person can take before it’s too much to bear anymore. This doesn’t have to be creative scribblings it could be anything in life, trying to make it as an actor, sports person, stand up, artist, whatever. After a while and I’m talking years here not a few weeks or months, you wonder to yourself if it’ll ever happen. Perhaps the odds of winning the lottery are higher and would cause far less mental distress.

Song of the day: Teardrop

Apt

"You're so fragile tonight
Been up hurting all night
It's not trivial like they think
Yes you're desperate and you're hurt"

MSP

The Bends

At the moment my mind can’t help but pick at the mental scab that was my marriage. This being certain songs that remind me of her or a certain time together. Sometimes I need to listen to one to really, what? Rub my conscious into it? Remind myself that those good times are now just a past memory? I don’t know but at the moment it’s a habit I can’t break.

Today I must have stayed in the shower for something like twenty minutes trying to drive away the cold I can feel from within, hoping the hot shower water would somehow penetrate deep within me like some sorta spiritual mental microwave. Fat chance. I came out more pink and wrinkly than anything else still feeling that inner chill. Things are still the same right now I haven’t shaved for 2 weeks and like it like that. The salt and pepper whiskers feel like a covering of some sort. It also makes me feel strangely better too, my older features reflecting how I feel inside somehow. Depression is such an invisible illness; not for the owner, that sometimes you need an outlet which for me whiskers and the results of my SI. The result of last weeks markings are fading, the scabs starting to fall away leaving what I hope are scars. Because I want scars. Scars to reminds me and tell me this is real and that I’m not making this bloody black up.

Going to bed of a night I am struggling to keep to a regular sleeping pattern, aside from the pattern of not sleeping until the sun comes up and then either still not sleeping or sleep grazing until 12pm. I either listen to music and cogitate over my marriage and life or watch the baseball. This has made a social life difficult, not just for that reason but also because I am not in a social mood.  I have been out, twice this past week. One to see a play with two friends and one on a date. Yes, me on a date. Actually it was the third one and went fine, a girl who likes my company, seems to fancy me and understands where I’m at right now. When I told another friend about this situation she was far from impressed saying that in the wake of my divorce I should allow myself to ‘heal’.  She is big on counselling right now and most of her words and advice seem to come from that angle. Pro words like, ‘healthy and unhealthy anger’ are used. ‘Displacement of anger’ is too, (this because I told her to mind her own business when she enquired as to the sale of my wedding ring and didn’t I get a lot for it) But I myself disagree. I’m not getting involved per-se and well, we make each other happy and both know the score so what’s the prob bob?

I’ve yet to visit a men’s help group that I know about locally with regards to mental health. This isn’t because I don’t want to, more like I keep oversleeping. I will go but as with other things requiring me to leave the house and keep to a schedule it has become tricky. I’ve let my gym usage drop considerably too which pains me a bit but not as much as I would have thought. The drive just isn’t there right now. It’s my birthday this week. What to feel about that?

...this mess of a man...

Right now my existence seems to revolve around digestive biscuits, tea, hibernation, baseball, music and thinking of her, mostly good times so as to really mentally torture myself. I also can’t stop dreaming about her. In the dreams she mostly says nothing. This morning during one of my sleep grazing dreams she actually spoke. Only to answer my question of, are you talking to me now? And then she only smiled and said that she wasn’t actively not talking to me. I think my mind is trying hard to figure all of this out and dreams are a way of doing that. It’s the only was because I’m not going to get anything from her.

Today I tried to wrap myself in music and darkness, lights off, NIN playing softly. My body seems to be keeping me numb and sleepy at the moment, energy is at a low level and I can barely get up the enthusiasm to live let alone do anything. The urge or rather the strongest feeling in me that isn’t apathy is one that requires me to either SI or take my thoughts to the next logical step (logical in my mind of course) and take it to my wrist. On  and on this is going, on  and on. La Tristesse Durera tour jours indeed.

Song of the day: NIN Right where it belongs

Cherry Blossom Tree

I made it to the shoot. I did this because basically I didn’t sleep.  I tried but failed. Everytime I even came close to nodding off my mind would worry about oversleeping and oop, I’m awake again. So I gave up with an hour and half till my alarm was due to go off and didn’t feel too bad until about 4pm and then as long as I didn’t sit still for too long I was fine. At times I did feel  a little odd though. My mind seemed to be confused as to why it was still awake. It felt like it was swimming, everything had a slight unreality feel to it.

The coffee helped but it also made my heart feel like it was beating like a f&*^%$d clock too (An ‘I’ special there). It also meant that I was out of the house and had to clean myself up some and actually interact with people other than my mind of memories and thoughts. All in all a not bad day. Other thoughts tried to intrude but I just about managed to shoo them away. Today though it’s a case of normal service resumed. Things are odd right now as I’m not sure how to proceed with either my career (such as it is) or well, my life. I’ve always liked the idea of an exit door, in a course, a day out, job anything, so the rationale behind my suicidal thoughts seem to revolve around this, it’s a way out. A way out for me and for others.  I remember telling my then wife this once. How me ending it would be better for all of us and for her, no money worries or worries about me. She didn’t think so and said my absence would be awful for her. Turns out that wasn’t quite right as my absence was fine as long as I didn’t leave behind a lot of mess and paperwork. Levity aside and divorce aside when I do think about the ending it it seems to comfort me in a bizarre way. Sunday is no exception. I spoke to a close friend yesterday about it all which was nice and helped me some. The thing is sometimes I bore myself with my talk and I’m sure I bore others with it all too and perhaps being them down. When I left him he mentioned on Friendface later on that he was down. Hmmm, I wonder why? Some days I swear I’m starting to sound like Neil from the Young Ones. Everything is countered in my mind, activity wise, with, Can’t do that as I’m planning to kill myself man (the ‘man’ bit is optional). It’s on my mind a lot today and I do feel heavy and sad, mentally. The things  I used to look forward to no longer interest me at all. I used to gym it a lot but now? Now I can barely get the energy or the interest up for it. Anxiety burns within me like an ember that refuses to either flare up or burn out and silly things have now become magnified within the prism of the black and seem huge. I don’t know what to do now.

Hurt

This hurts so much right now. I have nothing to go on either; one minute married the next without significant other.  All those words she said to me, all those Hollywood movie style horse s*&£ words that now mean sod all. ‘You are my life’, ‘You’re mine now’, ‘I can’t believe we’re married’ , ‘I’m so lucky to have you in my life’, etcetc. Thinking about it now it's left me confused and feeling worse now than I did back in January.  How can I ever enter a relationship and not be cynical towards those feelings and sentiments now? At least then I had some support, a loving partner. Now? Now I don’t. The ‘sickness and in health’ line of our marriage vows must have had a by line I wasn’t aware of, NB: ‘Of course this does not include mental health’.

Earlier I fell asleep, sleep grazing, and as I did I had various songs on that sang about break ups and the such like. I then had an odd dream about her where she didn’t really say anything and had her back to me and I actually woke myself briefly because I was crying. I’ve woken myself up with laughter but this was the first time I’ve actually felt tears. When I woke up a bit later on I felt very strange, cold and bereft is the only way I can describe it. I was also chewing on huge slabs of bacon in that dream too which, as a veggie, was also disturbing!

Before this I wasn’t sure what was causing my black. Now I have an added causal effect to deal with. I’m wondering that if it passes, which I’m sure it will sometime in the future; weeks, months? What will I be left with then? The old black that started all of this in the first place? Where does that black begin and this one end?

So I also had my first shower and shave in a week too, mostly as I’m due to be on set this week for a day of background extras type filming. Sleep may be a problem but I’m hoping that hot stimulating liquids may help me out. For the past few days I’ve seen the sun slowly rise just after 4am and heard the birds start the day off too. This time I hope I won’t as I’ll need some sleep if I’m to do this 8 hour shoot. I’m not feeling up to it or for that matter, anything but I’m gonna have to leave the house sooner or later I guess. I can only watch so many Adam Curtis documentaries online.

Aftermath: reprise

So I broke. Another layer of black to deal with.

I couldn’t help it. I was due to go away recently and had my usual stresses involved with that, nerves about going out, trying to find stuff needed, meeting new people, all very usual for me but this time it felt too big to overcome. One reason was because all I could think about was her. Before if I got stressed she could help, she’d see through my tetchiness for what it was, nerves and she’d calm me and I would sometime seek reassurance from her but this time, no more. I honestly felt cast adrift. And by the end of the night I was leaking more salt water than a er… a er… leaky salt. Thing. Damnit,  it’s taken me longer to think of a salt water simile than write this. Anyway, basically tears came. Again and I found myself back in my black hole and I cancelled any and all activities and probably upset some people too with my actions. Again. So here I am, sleep grazing and thinking of her and why I am now a statistic. A divorcee. I have my suspicions but whatever, it still hurts and hurts bad. Why though? Why damn it all? Her mother had and still has mental illness problems and I think, when I said during a low point, I didn’t think it would ever go, internally she must have panicked and thought, Well, I’m not gonna end up like my dad with a partner who has these problems for the rest of their days. I really do think that was a part of it. I do because well, I have nothing else to go on.

The split happened in March, I was out in April and it’s only now with time spent apart that it has really infiltrated me, really soaked in. I was talking to a new friend about it last week and she said; she was divorced too, that it was like a death and I think she’s right. You feel so lost and empty but you have no say in their removal. 
I seem to be upsetting people lately too. On that interwebsite Friendface (recognise that name? Moss, Jen and Roy where are you now?) I asked a friend I’d been getting to know, who was also a friend of hers, about us meeting. She said, what would your former say? Jokingly, I said, well I won’t say anything and besides who would you have more fun with? Unfortunately said friend took this as a slight against my former and said it seemed like I was slagging her off. I said no, I was trying to use levity to lighten the message. Didn’t work obviously. Then during a moment of lowness I asked her that if she spoke to her could she tell her that I missed her as she has cut herself off from me. To which said friend replies with, I’m not your middle man and so far no more messages from her since. After that I actually texted my former other and got… nothing. No surprise there really. When she gave me a forwarded piece of mail a month or so ago she wiped her address from it. Not sure what she thought I’d do with it but seeing that hurt. What does she think I am now that she'd do that and totally cut herself off from me, aside from divorce papers which put it plainly in very stark clear black and white terms regarding her reasons for divorce?
When she first mentioned this to me she asked if it was ok to mention the black. I said yes, for what other reason is there? I wasn't sure if she was trying to spare my blushes or her own. 
So, remember all that fuss about the Mayans and 2012 being a bad year? 
They weren't wrong.


Song of the moment: Faith No More 'everything's ruined'

Soliloquy in Sainsburys

I broke down and told you,

I scooped it out deep from within.

I took a chance, knowing it was risky, deep down fearing the worst but not really believing it.

You sat with me as we drank our bad overly sweet coconut hot chocolates, holding my hand, reassuring me both of us gently weeping as you saw me at my lowest.

Over oily chips I struggled to look at you but you made me telling me it’d be all right and that you’d be there, you weren't going anywhere.

Staring at an empty plastic chair where are you now when I need you the most?

Kindreds

Now and again I shall post up a link or two to another site I think worthy of your time.
This is such a sight. I came across it whilst browsing and enjoyed it a lot. The one thing I uttered whilst reading was, Not just me then.
I hope you get something from it too.
Halfway between the Gutter and the Stars