Fear of the dark

I had a very restless night. Sometimes I like the dark, the way it hides me but sometimes, times such as last night, I fear it. I fear it when my it's just me, the dark and my mind.
Last night in the dark my mind wouldn't stop throwing up the past and I couldn't resist either trying to answer them by replicating the past and coming up with different outcomes or allowing myself to become so embroiled up in it all that I quickly became angry and/or sad.
Sometimes I really do think that one day I will awake from all this and see her next to me and then tell her about the nightmare I'd had over breakfast like we used to most mornings.
But I suppose, in some ways, that's a dream within itself.

"But listen carefully to the sound,
of your loneliness like a heartbeat... drives you mad.
In the stillness of remembering what you had,
and what you lost."

Happy Holidays to all my readers!

All 3 of you :)

Trapped by memories

Over the summer I got into another cartoon show. What few readers I have will recall my love for Adventure Time and in addition to that I also recently have gained much love for Regular Show. It is fab and I highly recommend it. 
On a recent show one of the characters spoke about his feelings regarding a former love.
It went like this:

Rigby: "She's not coming back dude, she's gone."

Mordecai: "Look, I know, all right, I know. It's just, I mean, I don't still have feelings for her but I do in a way. It's like this thing that's inside of me and it's always just sort of sitting there waiting around and sometimes I'll see something or I'll smell something and it makes me think of her even though I don't want to."

This pretty much sums up me and my situation with regards to my ex-wife. No matter how far I think I've come and how much time I think I've put between myself and that life something will invariably pop up and take me back. How long this will go on for I have no idea and I suspect that it will carry on for some time yet. I can't just pack away a 7 year relationship with all it's good, bad and in between moments to the back of my mind. 
It doesn't work like that as much as I wish it would sometimes.

The Second Great Depression

This time of year doesn't help and what makes it pinch that bit more is recalling a conversation and a moment we'd both had in a cafe at a Sainsbury's back in Xmas 2011. 
It was then that I really opened up to her regarding what was then the beginnings of my black. Suicidal feelings were starting to take hold and I thought it best if I was open with her. I remember the awful coconut hot chocolate we'd both had and the shortbread and it's left over crumbs, me pushing them around the plate and picking them up with my finger after I'd moistened it with my tongue. 
I also remember what she said, about how she'd be there for me and that she wasn't going anywhere too. When I think about it now either she was lying to me or she was lying to herself. I'm not sure which. Perhaps a mix of the two.
The girl who always did and strived to do the right thing that time ended up not. 
All that fuss she made about our vows and us writing them and reading them out to each other on our honeymoon and she couldn't even hold to the most basic one. 
In sickness and in health.
Perhaps she thought it was more a guideline rather than a rule and besides it surely didn't mean mental health? Perhaps that made it null and void?
Another year over and still no real end in sight.

Fellow blogger types

A nice article regarding mental health and Xmas here:

Purple blog

Wolverine Blues

Yesterday was a nice day in terms of wandering in and out of shops, buying a few nice things (Shop assistant at Forbidden Planet to me: Buying some Xmas gifts? Me: Yes, for me!) and getting things done that needed to be done.
It was an almost total reverse of Friday's feelings and I was at times quite happy, my mind racing. I've had this before and it sometimes feels like I'm exhausting these feelings of happiness only for them to run out on me when needed. 
Like today.
Today, I felt tired and worn. Again. In fact, it seemed to all hinge upon one thought of her entering my mind and laying out on bed, hoping to exercise later on, for those were my plans, but knowing deep down that I probably wouldn't. 
I then drifted in and out of sleep and each time I not only felt irritable and uncomfortable but thoughts of her ruled supreme. Each time they did I'd wake myself up on the verge of tears, the very act waking me up. 
I dreamt about her last night and that seems to have been the trigger for today. As soon as I thought back to it the effect did for me quick snap.
In the dream, I was trying to talk to her to say how much I missed her but every-time she had a boyfriend either with her or suddenly joining in to sit next to her un-moving. Sometimes, like today, I miss her so much it scares me. It's days like these that make me feel as though I'm living a life I shouldn't be, like I'm living a life that if it were in photographs  there would have a little space cut out where her place should be.
I know it's the time of year where it pinches much more acutely, her absence, but still it hurts. This isn't really great timing either as I had some good news re: my trip to London and a job interview. 
I got the job which is fab' but current black rules the roost and right now my past wants my time and it's proving very difficult to push it to the side.
Today I am totally bereft of her and it hurts.

Think I'll give it a miss this year

The hating half of me.....

I found out today the result of that job interview I went to London for this morning. Well, I say this morning as in when it was sent but in reality I actually received once I woke up from a half slumber/half awake daze.

The news was good, very good. I’m in. Unfortunately due to it being one of those days it hasn’t really sunk it yet. I’m sure it will but right now it has had little effect on me. Which, I suppose, proves quite starkly that depression is not solely mood based, by that I mean it isn’t a case of feeling a bit down until the next mood or bit of good news comes along and hey, I’m fine now! It’ll suck the life out of you regardless of what’s going on in your life. Admittedly, I knew this, it, obviously, being borne out of direct contact with the illness more than anything but it was good to have it tested out directly.

…has won the battle easily

I have no idea why I’m how I am today. I can’t see any links to any triggers that sometimes preclude such emptiness. I just feel worn and empty. It’s not even that extreme blackness I've had before this time it’s more grey, a deep steel grey cloudy sky of a day that keeps threatening rain but keeps it back, instead suffocating the day with its continual cover and bleached colour. 

Or, basically, it’s a bad day.

A small worry has crept min with the news too, what of my meds? 

What of days like these that ruin everything? Will I have them over there? And what if I do, what then? I've yet to see or sign the contract and I’m already worrying. 

Have a day off will ya brain?!

But it won’t. It never will. 

When it does keep quiet it’s only slumbering until the next time.

London calling

I had a trip to London at the start of this week regarding a potential job abroad. The last time I went to London was about a year ago prior to leaving for Boston. 
What I was still pleased about was that I still do enjoy going to London, it hasn't lost it's novelty factor for me yet. 
Time spent travelling whether by road or rail and looking at the passing streets with their famous names and the big landmarks still make me smile inwardly and outwardly. When going I always make sure that I have certain songs on my player too that evoke the capital whenever I play them.

They are:
The Streets 'Original Pirate Material'
Madness anything and everything by them
The Jam, again anything and everything by them
Trainspotting soundtrack

When I used to gig and before I-pods and before I had the funds to buy one I used to take my portable CD player and in that I would place the aforementioned albums. 
It could be a bit awkward, carrying those cd's and the suchlike but I had to have music with me when travelling. For one thing, it helps create a mood and it also always calms me down. It's something I've done since I was a child and had a cassette Walkman copy player. 
I remember one occasion where a teacher suggested I used one when I was on a school trip in France back in 1985. 
I was feeling ill and very homesick and after I just about managed to calm down the teacher suggested using a pal's Walkman to listen to and so I did just before sleep and in bed. It worked and is something I've used ever since, whether to calm myself down when younger and travelling or to relax and fall asleep to and sink in to after a bad day, of which I've had a few these past few years. Recently certain albums and songs have really connected with me whenever I've had bad times and if I haven't listened to those tunes for a while it's almost like an aural blanket that welcomes and envelopes me when I plug in to those tunes, those soothing and understanding tunes. It almost feels as if we have a direct connection from song to head, a main line. And it feels wonderful, like an audio hot water bottle.

This song I've put here is by The Streets. I love the song and it was one I listened to before going out on the sauce and when I'd come back as well. I don't know what it is about the song, maybe it's the tower block cover or just the theme of the tunes but it always puts me in mind of London, despite Mike Skinner being from Birmingham and mentioned that city in the song. Still, songs rarely make sense when they evoke what they do and for me this tune will always be associated with London and trying to keep those nerves at bay.
Enjoy.