Got me Wrong

And make it I did. What made it harder was the cold that had crept in suddenly making me a bit more crapper than usual. But I got through it and afterwards I pretty much stayed in bed for the next five days or so. The odd video game, TV and movie catch up. I also went out on a Friday night and met up with a nice young lass who was cute, sweet and likes pretty much the same stuff I like. After a nice brew we went to a pub with a top jukebox, always important I find, and after some pear ciders and some flirty chatter some nice necking followed. All good but, me being me and not being able to stop the noggin’ from cogitating at its usual hyper speed, I couldn't help but think how the idea of a relationship is just anathema to me right now. With regards to my former, her, I feel like that sort of giving and commitment is something I can’t do even at a smaller level.  Will that change? Maybe, then again maybe not. To be honest if it doesn't it is a thought that has no real effect on me, it makes me feel neither sad nor happy, a sign of my complete numbness at the moment perhaps?

The more I look back the more I wonder what was the point? All that, in sickness and in health, better or worse, etc etc’ Does anyone really take any notice of it? Or is  it the sort of blurb that gets the same sort of glassy eyed response mentally that the agreements and blurbs for various downloads and contacts get when you rush through them to get to the signing your name and downloading here gets?  If push comes to divorce, does anyone really take those words to heart? Did I? Or since the divorce am I only now giving a monkey’s?

Lately my dreams about her have been kinda odd. It’s almost like she’s a versatile actor playing any role my mind can conjure. The latest was her in the role of a Mad Max type outland boss who had control of a small town and its supermarket. Very odd, even more so with her singing while everyone was told to be silent. Thing is, I was the one who tried to end her reign. Hmmm, no idea what it signifies or represents though. Maybe an obsession with Mad Max?

Black Dog on my shoulder

Let's Pretend

I had the worst day since things began to pick up on Wed, it actually affected me whilst working. I’ll explain, since the start of the year I’d managed to get some part time work, fitness work too but that’s on a freelance basis. This other work is a bit more regular and has been going since last Dec. It’s kept me in funds, given me training, new skills and more importantly kept me occupied and busy.

All good so far and it really has been. Yesterday though, for no real rhyme or reason I felt tired, empty and numb. I was in a daze and had the urge to just sit down and hide away. Which I did once or  twice. Whilst wandering about trying to find or do something, can’t recall which my general demeanor was picked up upon and I was asked, why I looked so happy, this was sarcasm, ignoring it and changing the subject I move don until someone who knows me and my recents and asked if I was ok. I briefly tried to say yes but this quickly changed to no. It’s odd but when people are nice to me and I’m keeping something inside, emotions whatever, the urge to break out in tears is strong and in fact happened when we briefly chatted. I went home after a hot drink together and on the way home is where it really started. Till then I’d never cried at the wheel before but this time, out it all came, thoughts flowed and so did my tears, making it tricky to drive. No music was played, which is odd for me but this time I wanted only silence.  Once or twice the urge to just put my foot down and drive into the river flashed into my mind. I also wanted to drive back to the old house, the former place where me and her lived together during the short relationship that was our marriage. Pretend like I was going home, pretend like nothing had happened, pretend I was ok and this was just a really depressing day-dream brought on by far too much listening to, Life of Agony.

But no. It wasn’t. I diverted quickly to a nearby pub I used to frequent with M and drove at speed to a space at the back of its car park where I cried some more and then eventually nodded off to which I awoke by the odd sound of my own snoring.

I then drove back and dove into bed, hiding from the world and myself once more.

So, here I am again. Unsure what day it is, sleeping late and feeling like I can switch between sleeping forever or sleeping never. Odd choice eh? But then that’s black I guess, always veering between extremes.

As long as I make it through the weekend.

CBT, yeh you know me!

So, been a while then yeh?

As Xmas approached I knew it would be a difficult time. Using a war-like metaphor, it would be an offensive that would be hard to repel. And sure enough it was.

I mentioned this on my Friendface account, how I’d like to miss xmas this year, like it says in that song? and was immediately rebuked for my un-Xmas attitude. Talk of, wallowing in self-pity, count yourself lucky you aren’t homeless, etc etc. Just what you need really.

M, you may recall her from a previous entry, where I’d been treated a bit rubbish by in the break up?  I ended up briefly in her bed just before Xmas, nothing rude just holding and cuddling which was wonderful and boosted me over Xmas.

It didn’t last. M barely spoke to me after that and a pressie I’d gotten for her, ‘Imported Pop Tart smores’ no less! She sowed about as much interest in receiving them as I would in receiving a flipping massive tax invoice. So they wait in my bag, uneaten. Ok, two packets of them uneaten. The other two, I did yum up. Better that than got to waste eh?

New Year’s was close to being a re-run of last year but a funny thing happened.  I was at a social gathering and sat alone I thought over the year, the break up, break down and everything else and started to feel as though I was sinking. Someone then came up to me and asked if I was ok and it snapped me out of it and I was up and dancing. Funny eh?

I also began CBT in Jan too and just finished it the other week. It was informative and interesting. The group itself wasn’t hugely open and barely chatty which I thought was a shame but I suppose is to be expected. For some reason I was expecting a big happy gathering where we’d all share our black experiences, have a laugh, maybe a cry and then sort out a weekly tea/coffee meeting at a local café where we’d share our continuing adventures in depression and whatever else mental condition we had. And during these meetings I’d meet a girl who was shy, but sweet into me and we’d help each other with our ‘issues’. No. None of that. We did get some chocolates at the end though and lot of homework and paperwork too. It did help a bit but I think it was the social side more than anything.

Still they did share some useful tools to implement when things get bad. Hopefully I can try and use them if and when they do.

Who knew?

Am just about exiting, cogitating but hardly living.

When it comes to sleep my mind is playing the moody child and not letting the rest of my body anyway leeway when it comes to rest, too active going over everything that’s been and may come. My body is numb and tingly, tired and wanting to rest but upstairs says no go. This leads me to being awake till 6 or 7, trying hard to keep awake to snap the routine but with the dark and cold mornings and the sudden onset of a tired body this is getting near impossible. So I end up with patches of sleep leaving me out of it early morning onwards, sometimes till about 5pm. Today was particularly bad as I dreamt about her. A nice dream of sorts too but a dream within a dream where I recognised the first one, me and her in a car just being close and then me in my room  breaking down. Again I woke myself up with moans and sobs. Thoughts of her kept filtering through making my guts twirl and tighten and my head spin. Oh dear, whatever am I gonna do? Money is disappearing fast and I have only fears to keep me company. I’ve wondered lately if I’m bipolar. This I broached to my Doctor who said it wasn’t what he got from me, the way I act etc. What he did do was up my meds, so it’s now 40mgs of the next generation citalapram. The effects are a bit mad, dizziness, twitchy muscles, insomnia, hypersomnia. The first week, nowt much aside from odd sleeping patterns, nowt new there! But at the moment it’s not too bad, not brilliant but not awful, a pinprick in the thick cloud of maudling from before. The duvet still seems like my bomb, cereal killer, life proof shield that it has seemed this year but I am slowly getting out, early morning gym visits especially on a Sunday.

The only downside is that a girl I was seeing, another one who I shall call M, and going out with since July has decided to end it with me. This was a blow as I liked her a fair old bit and despite my outpourings of fondness for her she wants away. It shouldn’t have been a surprise really, I mean, look at what my former did and we were married! Still, maybe that’s being unfair. M was previously married and perhaps didn’t want to be tied down and panicked at my closeness. Still, it hurt as I really liked her. Plus sides, the divorce is now through and so is my new name. Small things but compared to before it’s something small or not. So it truly is over and now I have to try and pick up the ground up pieces of my life and assemble it back together. Or maybe assemble something new back together? Something that’s still me but new, if that makes sense?

Only P!nk can save me now!

Hulk like strongness award thingy

As previously mentioned an award from the lovely sherberty Halway to the Gutter and the Stars

The Rules of this here awardy thingy:

1. Make sure to add in the above text and image (above) to spread the love and add how little or how much you want! 2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them. 3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like! 4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty.


Depression for me. Some days I can exist, just, other days I manage to cogitate in bed, wondering what the hell went wrong and why I cant get out of this bloody slump. It remains a mix of too much sleep, too little sleep, self loathing, general fear and setting yourself up to fall on numerous occasions. 
That is depression. For me anyhow. Fighting my way out? Hmmm, not yet. Not consciously anyway.

Here be a pic, not of me but of that D:Ream dude, Prof' Cox. 
Represents me as its a figure gawping in awe at the stars which is what I do. 
Either that or my head is somewhere up there.

Thank God for him!