Me likey so...

... you should likey too!

Go visit a depressed cartoonist type

Guten Tag!

Hallo deutschen Zuschauer!

Danke für das Lesen und Stoppen von :)

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Once more with feeling please...

And so it begins again. Down in a hole. Frantically pulling ideas and plans out stacking them high like a mental game of Jenga only for it all to come tumbling down the next day as I hide away in my bed under the life-proof duvet.

This is getting too familiar. The sun is shining outside but its cold as due to the wind gusting and blowing. My brief gym run has now been cut short as I have neither the will, the energy nor the inclination to get up and go. Cups of tea, music and films are about as much as I can muster. Washing and basic stuff have either been forgotten or not bothered with. I can’t be arsed at all with any of it. I have a couple of trips planned next week and I’m already apprehensive about them, will  I make them, will  I want to make them, what if I have to cancel again?!

Confusion reigns with me, before sleep, during it and upon waking. I have no idea what my life is and whether I can either get myself into some sort of direction to proceed with it all. Ack, hate it because I know where this line of thinking will take me. 

Back there, back to seeing orange everywhere....

Numb reprise

The numbness of it all, the numbness to all things, things I liked and loved, they bring me only a dull numbness that is like a tongue that has been burnt by a sip of too hot tea leaving it numb to any taste or sensation for the next few days. With shaky hands and tired mind I can just about lie here and listen or watch. Typing too of course but if I don’t get these words out then they’ll just float around my noggin, free to roam, not settling just being, existing, letting me know that they’re there. They haven’t gone yet and even if you think we have, we haven’t. We’ll always be here, somewhere in the background ready to pounce when we get the chance. Is this malignant sadness, this black how I am now? Is it my defining… thing? I've just texted in to say I can’t make what little work I have on at the moment. Will they get bored of my illness and my calling in because of, ‘a bad day’?

Goodbye blue sky...

Blue Blue Electric Blue that’s the colour of my room...

waiting for sound and vision

Dreams? Odd at the moment, also they seem to be tinged with a certain amount of tension and sadness. It’s probably no coincidence that this is due to my poor attempt to come off my meds. I tried missing out alternate days and this has led me to take the proverbial one step forward two steps back. Recent dream was of my old school friend complaining about something I’d done 8 years previous. He then morphed into a monkey with a hand-grenade, pin was pulled and he then changed into a dog and brought the live grenade back to me. 

I tried to wrench it from his mouth and when I did and threw it away he brought it back. 

It went off nearby when I got it loose again but didn't really do much. I didn't seem that panicky about it either.

Waking up I feel awful right now, kinda like I've had a monster of a gym session followed by an even bigger monster of a CV workout. Then when I've finally awoken I’m anxious, angry and tense, tense and anxious or angry tense and anxious. Oh deary me. Lesson learned there then. Regardless of that I’m now back to where I was trying hard not to let it all collapse around me and let those mind demons run amok let they've just been allowed a day out amongst my head tearing up all my tentative plans for the future and graffiti-ing, ‘No chance! Forever to be this way, Give it up!’ all over my new mind walls of delicate optimism, such as they are. SI is strong as is the odd urge to binge and purge with food. New one that and am not too sure where it has come from. No-one sees itI suppose and it’s fairly concealable up to a point, not like SI that can be detected sometimes. In the name of no-one’s really sure, is this where my head is at now? Think I’ll stuff my face with a warmed up choccy muffin and wash it down with some tea. A nicer gentler way of self inflicted damage I think.

You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties

Sleep pattern is a bit odd right now. Oversleeping, up in the middle of the night (though am sure that’s about ten or eleven pm rather than the early hours which is what most people use that to refer too) and back to my old non-sleeping in the regular hours ways. Now I’m not sure if this is due to a break in my early New Year routine and is my go to default when things lose structure, it could be as the first time this hit, back in 2001/02 I found some odd solace in the insomnia/night owl existence and the same, sort of, goes for now. I usually do my best thinking then, sometimes too much thinking then and I like the solitude of it all, as if I’m the only one awake now and everyone else is fast asleep. Well, that’s what it feels like anyway, true or not. Right now though, I’m enjoying the aural comforts of the Manics. They have been my sonic comfort blanket for the past year now and whenever I feel the black approach or feel a bit anxious for no real reason they are as welcome and comforting as a cup of tea, enveloping me in their lyrical calm and warmth.

I used to this to even greater effect on Sat night after a bad experience at a party. Parties for me just don’t seem to work anymore, I find them awkward and kinda intimidating. For instance on the Sat night, although I did know a few there I couldn’t mix as well as I have done and did my best to try and play the, eat everything and drink as much as possible to cover up the nervous inner monologue in my head game. It reminded me a bit of the scene in, Skin Deep, a late 80’s film by Blake Edwards and starring the late great John Ritter. In it he arrives at a party in fancy-dress whilst all around him are in very smart attire. He then proceeds to drink whatever is free and available until he gets smashed. Which is what I tried but failed as I can only drink so much at the moment, as in not very much and as I mixed them that didn’t help my longevity either. So I had a little dance, a bit of a chatter and then mostly stayed in the corner looking out the window, wondering what to do. It was all too much like the school discos of yesteryear, me being too shy to approach and talk to the girls I liked and ask then to dance. Then of course I didn’t have booze so no excuse really eh? I did talk to the girl I liked, briefly, well shouted due to the blaring music but couldn’t get much of a feel for any connection and I didn’t get much of a chance for any more as she was off and dancing in a lil’ girl group. Not long after that a song played that me and my former used to dance around to and that signaled the end of my night. At home the booze blues hit and I fell asleep to the sounds of The Streets, original pirate material, MSP, lifeblood and Radiohead’s, ok computer. It was the only nice highlight for me that night. So, me and parties, not happening.

This past week was also the 2 for 1 anniversary of me and my former’s wedding/divorce. What did I do? Very little, opting for the protection and comfort of my duvet once again.

Which reminds me, recent dreams include a dragon and me eating two I-pods after being dipped in tea biscuit dunking style. Hmm.

Misfits rabbit

Love this rabbit from the Misfits. Even better when his eyes light up!