Just gotta stay positive?

Words. So many of them spoken, so many of them meaningless, so many of them meaningful, so many of them hurtful. And then there’s the words that were meaningful but just remain air and vibrations.

‘You are my life.’

‘You’re safe and loved’

‘We can get though this’

They might as well have been scrawled on a beach for all their worth now.

Today I received what I think is the final divorce paper. With the title of the respondent, me, I have been found to have had an  ‘…unreasonable behaviour which has led to the marriage irretrievably breaking down.’

So, I think that’s it. Not only do I have to get through this I now have to get through this knowing it’s down to my mental illness this has happened. Great.

Reading it tears began to flow and I did my usual of lying down on my bed and plugging into some suitable tunes whilst sleep grazing. My mind did its usual. As it did one thought occurred if I hadn’t had been taken down with this damn black would things been different? Would I now still be in a marriage? My imagination took hold and I kept thinking of the possibilities of what could have been, what I would have said to myself if I could have done a ‘Marty Mcfly’ and gone back to have a word with myself. Saying that what would have I said?

‘Those fears that are hidden? Those you daren’t even think about? Well, they may come back and see her? She’ll do one.’

Oh yeh, great, real helpful that! That would’ve been enough to push me into it anyway so what good would that’ve done? So here I am. I started off the year badly and very down. Now? Well, not much has changed and in some respects it has gotten worse because my partner left me and I don’t know what to do. The strong feelings of ending it came again on Saturday but the thing is I felt quite numb to it all when thinking about it, not angry or violent or anything extreme just complete numbness like my whole body had gone to sleep. Wandering around the shops at one point I felt like Zach Braff does in ‘Garden State’ that bit where he’s sat on the couch and all those people are moving and doing things around him with him looking on? I didn’t do anything but walk and that seemed to help some. Better than leaping off into the river anyhow. It’s filthy in there.

Today I wanted to run away, where? Lord knows. I had the same on Saturday. I was having a bad day and after a listless meeting with friends, they were tired too, I came back home and walked past old haunts; places I hadn’t been through in a long long time. It felt a little odd, almost like walking back in time and after that I walked and walked until hunger and fatigue brought me home. I was tempted to go further and today I wondered if I could have walked to the coast, on and on until I could see the sea, lose myself in nature and fatigue. Sounded good but practical? Only the great Lord Zeus knows that. And well, probably me really. I think I think too much.

Song of the week: The Streets: Stay Positive