Friday, 3 January 2014

Save me from the monsters

At the start of a Dr Who episode I was watching recently, a little kid was scared by the terrors in his cupboard and bedroom and kept asking over and over for someone to, ‘Save me from the monsters’. This was effective enough for the Doctor to come calling. 
Forget NHS crisis, now that’s service!
The night I’d watched it was an odd one, I felt almost feverish but had no rise or fall in temperature aside from feeling very empty and needing my hot water bottle, more for comfort than warmth. I then proceeded to have nightmares that had me crying out and waking myself up during them. This happened about three times. Unusual for me, as, I rarely get nightmares and the ones that I do get are mostly based around a feel or mood.  
I also wished that I’d had a Doctor to save me from the monsters but then, who can save me from myself?
This hasn't been the best Xmas and New Year for a while. I’d started to miss my ex-wife a bit more this time and certainly missed our Xmas routine. Also, the dread that I experienced prior to the start of 2012 where my worst fears and nightmares really did come true, were making a re-appearance.
I wasn’t looking forward to things again, I was dreading them.
I have slept a lot but also not slept a lot too, over-sleeping into the day and feeling like I've wasted them in doing so. I've struggled to keep up my exercise and gym routine and my usual option of staying up all night and going to the gym early doors to break that cycle has seen me retreat to bed more often than not. I near enough hid under my duvet last night, well, early this morning. I felt pretty shabby as well when I finally awoke this morning and I felt terrible. It was a feeling that wasn't too far away from the feeling I had the next day after my clumsy piss-poor suicide attempt in 2012. My hygiene is also taking a back seat again and I feel and think that I’m getting chubby. My head is chock full of the usual nonsense and there is this sense of panic that is starting to seep into the everyday. Although I’ve had a battle with internal fears since day dot, I've managed to overcome them in various ways. I’ve done things in my life that when in the midst of those fears and worries I just wouldn't have thought possible. Now though? Now I feel as though I've it a particularly big snake in that big game of life and it’s as much as I can to get up out of bed of a day. 
What is wrong with me?

I better get my masks ready for the next week or so when I have to venture out of the house.

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