I read this a few months ago on this football website. It describes a football manager but the last few words resonate greatly with me.
"Defensive indignation is never far from his psyche and there is always an air of melancholy about him these days, as though he feels cheated by life, somehow.
.....mirroring, as it does, our own sense that somewhere along the way we messed things up royally and are still paying the price."
That last line about, 'messing up royally' and 'still paying the price' really hit home for me as with the passing of these past few years that is what it feels like. That I'm being punished.
On the days where the clouds are thin and wispy I'm ok but even then it just feels as though that I'm waiting for it all to hit again. The day when those clouds will re-form and obscure everything.
With a move abroad on the way this fear increases. The what ifs start to mount. What if I'm bad when over there? What if I have days there that I have here?
For now I'm trying not to think of it though it is difficult. I'm starting to think that it will never shift. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should think of it never shifting? If I do perhaps it will stop me putting everything into an all or nothing scenario all the time. Perhaps my acceptance will take the pressure off? Even if I do take this line I think it will take time for me to believe in it. I think taking it day to day is my only answer. Letting that thought take hold moment to moment. As horrible as the thought is it may be my only way to escape all of this even if it is only a partial one.