Friday, 20 March 2015

Divided me and Conquered

When I was on my way to Uni practicals at the start of the week a thought came to me which was that when it comes to events and experiences I view them this way. 
They are obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. 
It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I can't really see it changing. In fact as I've gotten older it seems to be that more marked. Everyday events, getting a train to someplace is, for me, an exercise in controlling my mounting anxiety at such a task. The location of the seat, if I'll even get a seat, will the platform be full with lots of passengers waiting to get on the same train?
The same goes for entering a coffee house. Is it a big queue? Will the shop be full? Will I have any place to sit? Can I sit near the exit? And on and on it goes. It just seems like these last few years or so have been harder to control those fears. It was something I could just about control but now it seems as though it is controlling me. I also know that when my anxiety is too bad and my black is equally so that is when I get ready to Control, Alt, Delete.
I've lost many battles, as I have blogged here countless times the war continues until I don't. 
It will be my choice whether or not that happens.

What happened to forever?

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