Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Blow Me One Last Kiss

So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life. 
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal  it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor. 
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.

'Be brave, clench fists...'

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