That's it

That's it. That is, was my last half of Mirtazapine that I took Monday night. Over 3 and half years of meds from Citalapram, Escitalapram before finally settling on the Mirtz. I could tell the meds were practically out of my system as just taking that half left me feeling very lethargic the following morning. I wanted to be clear of them by the time I left for the US and so far so good. I have had the odd moments of anxiety in the morning but generally the side effects haven't been too harsh at all as I've come off them these past few months. 
Now, however, I'm worrying like my old self as I try and think ahead and think what I need to do with regards to my summer holiday job that I'm leaving for this week. Anxiety has always been a problem with me and more so whenever some sort of change enters my life. Like I've mentioned before I never seem to be able to enjoy experiences I always see them as obstacles to be overcome, especially with this anxiety that fuels everything. I don't know how to smooth it, even with all this experience of dealing with it behind me. I just tend to worry worry worry and then do it. I need to find another way, especially when it comes to calming myself down. That I have yet to really find. I'm hoping more experience will help and do what it sometimes does and desensitize me to future worries and anxieties. 
Time will tell. Again. 
But for now, I have a trip to get ready for.

"Brace yourself, cos this goes deep
I'll show you the secrets, the sky and the birds
Actions speak louder than words
Stand by me my apprentice
Be brave, clench fists...."

This is....

It's getting nearer. 
The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken. 
For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that. 
Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places. 
I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I? 
It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds.
On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it.
For now.

Picture time

Blow Me One Last Kiss

So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life. 
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal  it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor. 
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.

'Be brave, clench fists...'

Divided me and Conquered

When I was on my way to Uni practicals at the start of the week a thought came to me which was that when it comes to events and experiences I view them this way. 
They are obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. 
It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I can't really see it changing. In fact as I've gotten older it seems to be that more marked. Everyday events, getting a train to someplace is, for me, an exercise in controlling my mounting anxiety at such a task. The location of the seat, if I'll even get a seat, will the platform be full with lots of passengers waiting to get on the same train?
The same goes for entering a coffee house. Is it a big queue? Will the shop be full? Will I have any place to sit? Can I sit near the exit? And on and on it goes. It just seems like these last few years or so have been harder to control those fears. It was something I could just about control but now it seems as though it is controlling me. I also know that when my anxiety is too bad and my black is equally so that is when I get ready to Control, Alt, Delete.
I've lost many battles, as I have blogged here countless times the war continues until I don't. 
It will be my choice whether or not that happens.

What happened to forever?