This is....

It's getting nearer. 
The summer holiday job move to the US. All things going well, as in funds being available, I should be off next week. The nerves have been there, mostly every-time I awaken. 
For me this is normal and something I've lived with throughout my life so far when something big in my life is coming up. It may also explain the depression as I believe high anxiety types are prone to it. And really this brings me back to something I mentioned before. I've always seemed to see events coming my way as obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. Always. It's rare if I can still my nerves to the point of not being too bothered by it all. Very rare. I just can't seem to switch off from it. I'm always wired into it and it gets wearing. I don't know how else to approach things and mostly the only way I've learned to cope is to just do it like that books says, Feel the fear and do it anyway. Having the feelings though, sheesh, it sure makes it difficult because those feelings make most things seem like a threat a direct fight or flight situation which can lead to me er... flighting. These last few years have seen a lot of that but considering what I was going through I'm not going to get too excited by any of that. 
Battles will be won and lost but the war goes on. That was something I used to repeat to myself when I was first stating out in stand up and trying to get the will up to travel places. 
I still use it now but it makes me think, will the war ever end? I don't think it will. Not unless I can radically change, not only my thinking but my inner being too and after a life of this how can I? 
It just feels like putting plasters on numerous gaping wounds.
On the plus side I have one half of my meds left to take and then that's it.
For now.

Picture time

Blow Me One Last Kiss

So I'm almost off them completely. I take half a tablet after 2 days off and soon this will be a half taken every four days off until I stop. And when I do that will have been over 3 and a half years of meds and deep black behind me. A black that has seen a divorce, a loss of job, house, the odd friend and various other things that I thought would always be there. And that's not even mentioning the various other things that have been lost or given up on or not even attempted by me in that time. I knew, at the start, that it would be a bad time but I really didn't think I would be here, at my parents trying to patch back together my life. And that's what it does feel like at the moment, trying to patch back together my life. 
The cracks will always be there like one of my mugs that was glued back together after a drop. My scars, internal and external will be something I will have to carry forwards from now on, which doesn't sound like much but if you read through my older posts it really is.
I have learned a few things from this second great depression, things about myself and about others too. For me I've learned that when depression and anxiety collide that is when thoughts of taking my life start to take hold. I've also learned that after this illness comes a thick hardened skin to some things, a fearlessness that will show itself when it comes to either making decisions on certain things or in certain situations. This is best exemplified RIGHT HERE
I've also learned that some people, no matter what they say and what they profess to you with regards to love and always being there, regardless of all of that sometimes they can not deal with someone who has a mental illness and they don't want to either. As to the why, I'm not sure. I have my suspicions regarding my ex-wife but they are only that and I doubt they'll ever be validated. I also know that when in the middle of an episode and feeling very suicidal  it is not so much like being painted into a corner -if I was I'd just run-back across with as few steps and as lightly as possible, after all I could always paint back over it after all- rather it is like being on a floor that is gradually falling away until you are left in a corner with your back against the wall on a small bit of whatever is left of the floor. 
What's left? Not much and not much to choose from either with only a small place to hide until even that feels like it's going to fall away. It is then that the option to let yourself or even force yourself to be consumed by that darkness becomes a worthwhile option. It was an option that became open to me many times and even gave rise to a foolhardy attempt too.
But here I now am. In a life that I wouldn't have even come close to considering when it was all starting to happen to me back then. It almost feels like starting again and in a sense it is I suppose. I'm nervous about it but it's not the depression nervous that has stopped me doing things from before, it's the usual nerves that I could get through before all of this and will again this time now that I'm starting to pull free.

'Be brave, clench fists...'

They haunt me like a curse

And after that last post what do I go and dream about early this morning? 
Her again. 
This time it was a reinterpretation of an argument we'd once had but in this dream I end up shoving a mop in her face. The guilt was overwhelming in the dream as was the feeling to see her, hold her and talk to her once the dream was long gone and I was awake. That emptiness ran through my body like a fever all day, the only was to shoo it away was to think of her and to consider contacting her. The contacting bit I did not go through with. That would be too much of a betrayal of well, me really and all that I have been through since she left. But those feeling still persisted and, these past few days, the dreams too.
When things are progressing and going ok, the weather helps. Conversely when things are not the weather being good does not, but I and others have covered that before. 
The empty space that was hers however is proving difficult to shift. 
Would another relationship help dispel it? Burning it away like the sun on a thick field of morning fog? I tried that before and clearly wasn't ready, though I didn't think so at the time. Now though I  think I may be ready.
Just my luck that I'll be leaving soon eh?

From despair to.... here?

Dreams of her smiling face prevailed this morning in my dreams. That was the only aspect of her in them and perhaps marks a possible shift from my usual head trips backwards. It's now mostly all memory with her, mostly good memory too. My reaction afterwards was, again, one of yearning for her, missing her but the debilitating feelings from before after such a dream were absent again. Not long after this I also had a nice dream involving starting a relationship with Charlotte Church. Now I've never known her or even met her but we got on well in the dream and well, it was nice and took me away from her for once :)
Now, although doing ok -I'm down to half a tablet every other day meds wise- I'm starting to feel a big sense of loneliness with regards to a lack of a relationship. That special someone you can hug, talk to about stuff, do stuff with, do other stuff with and just generally be with someone you really dig. That's been growing for the last few months and I suppose it's coming out in my dreams. This mornings' probably came about after me coming home from a coaching course and not having, initially her there but also a her there, so I it was on my mind. What I am coming to realise though is that when I do dream of her or when I do miss her the feelings are being fueled by memory now. That yearning or loss isn't acing up to what she did and how she left me which is something I am now reminding myself whenever those feelings get too strong.
At the moment I am progressing and I am progressing consistently with it.

'I try and walk in a straight line...'

Alive

The first time I got into this song it coincided with me coming through and getting over my first depressive episode back in 2002. The visuals with the water and the lyrics all really ran deep with me and as it seems like I'm moving on from this second one it is happening again. 
I knew things were getting better when, as I listened to this song, it made sense once more and left me relating to it a lot more. Whereas before when I listened to it last year it did not.
Enjoy :)

Fasting Monday

I'm now down to just over 7mgs of my meds per night. 
I felt a bit queasy this morning but so far not too shabby.

It's also the 3rd anniversary of my starting this here blog. 
I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about that fact.

Drinking water to stay thin...

It's been a few weeks of change for me. I had an exam to complete to signal the end of the foundation degree and that went to form, as in it went badly. Not so much my effort, though I've yet to find out the result of that just yet, more that when we went there our names were not down on the seating planner. Brilliant. So after much moving around trying to find the venue, no-one there really knowing what was going on our tutor came down and put on the exam in his study room instead. Most were not keen and elected not to do it. Myself and one other did. I thought it best to get it out of the way and I really didn't fancy revising another load of subjects later down the line. It meant missing a ride back home but I didn't mind so much. It gave me a chance to relax on the train going home and listen to the Manics, always a favourite when I'm in Wales. My thoughts were quite melancholic, thoughts of past mistakes and my ex-wife were at the front of my mind for some reason, as I have mentioned in a previous blog. So now that's it, education wise. 
On towards the US. Regarding that I had some not so great news as I have been relocated to New Jersey which isn't ideal as my heart was set on the Boston area. I couldn't help but feel a little deflated at that news. Still, at least it's somewhere else and a chance to put the past truly behind me. I think I need distance, physically distance to put certain things behind me, as cliched as that sounds.
My other change has been some weight loss. I have adapted that 5/2 diet and tailored it a bit to suit me any my exercise regime and so far it has worked as I can now put on certain jeans and shirts without them looking a bit like a pale Hulk about to erupt.
I almost forgot the other change. I'm coming off my meds. It's been over 3 years and I think it's the right time. I'd like to be off them before the US and I think the gradual come down from them will be a lot kinder to me than the nightmare of 2013 and the week long come off that left me, well left me back in A&E. I haven't noticed anything too strong with regards to side effects so far aside from over-tiredness, the odd pain in my head and the odd little bout of anxiety. Hopefully this will not be a constant state, else it will make the trip over a not too nice experience. 
Well, no more than usual anyway.