Every day is exactly the same

Some days I wonder why I even bother carrying on. If I had no loved ones, what little are left that is, would I actually be bothering or would I have tried to do it and finally keep those voices silent by doing the ultimate? It’s something I wonder about especially during days like today. I awoke  in the morning and then fell asleep again and throughout until late afternoon I felt so tired and down, listless even that aside from reading a page or 2 or a Richard Dawkins book and listening to the Manics I did very little else. A bit of food, dry biccies until I got together a veg’ laden meal in the evening. Much tea too despite the warm weather. If it wasn’t for watching the Olympics my existence would be pretty minimal. It is anyway but it’d be even worse. Hmmm, maybe I’m being optimistic here and it really is. I can barely get up of a day and I am struggling. Again. I’m not sure what to do. A small cause is the fact that I may well see my former at the weekend at a place where we first met. I have to go but, damn!  am I nervous about it. More for the fact that I’ll have to see her and know that she’ll either blank me, not talk to me or both. I need to go but I do know the closer I get to it the harder it’ll be. But I have to move on, either with going there or my life in general. Life isn’t right now. It mostly consists of me not sleeping/over sleeping/wondering what I’m going to do next or constantly letting my mind mull over her. I can still barely believe the way I let the slow demise by pass me. The almost casual nature with which I took her leaving. The packing, the sign outside the door on our return from a mutual trip, the visits from others wanting the house now we (mostly she) were leaving. Memories of her crying and in pain when she was ill plague me like an irritating ulcer twisting the mental knife of torment, reminding me of good times and bad times together. A song here, a trip there or a future plan we were making all still keep throwing themselves to the front of my mind, mostly at night, regardless of whether I want them or not. At the time of it happening I was using bravado and bollocks to get by and the initial novelty, stupid I know, of being single but it didn’t last long and now I’m trying to make sense of it all which I doubt I will. ‘Closure’? Nuts to that word ‘closure’. It means nowt to me and seems like another pop psychology way of quantifying and categorising feelings, thoughts and actions. There will be no closure as it will always go on until time has given me distance enough away from it.

 At the time, deep down I knew resistance was futile (very Borg like eh?) but blimey, the effects of it now are being so keenly felt I can’t comprehend. I was in one state of affairs with a wife and future and now I’m in another with well, nothing. Ok, I have a room at my parents so it’s not awful awful but where I was and where I now am, well it ain’t far. But yeh, it could be worse but does that help me right now? F%$£ no!

So tonight I’m going to try an old trick of mine that I tried when I had insomnia years ago and that was just not go to bed. Wait it out and see in the morn awake rather than wait and think as per usual. It will mean I’m near wasted tomorrow but hopefully it’ll help me out for the coming weekend. I can write this, take in the morning sunrise and maybe get a run in too, exercise has been poorly executed by me recently and I used to love working out but at the moment it isn’t really a priority. What is? Not much to be honest and even if it were I doubt I’d have much enthusiasm or energy for it right now. I am in a dark deep hole and I don’t know how to get out. Or maybe I do but just don’t want to. Yet. Only the Lord Poseidon really knows the answer. Or is it that tube of coloured choc drops that does?