Right where it belongs

How many times can I get knocked down? That seems to be the poser at the moment.
I was going to write this blog entry with some fairly good news today but receiving another installment of my divorce papers kinda put a dampener on that. I wondered if I'd sensed its arrival as last night I went to bed feeling a bit anxious and awoke very tired. I stumbled downstairs to see my mother with a letter. She'd held it back knowing what my reaction would be. I opened it up and yeh, there it was. Words mentioned like, my behavior, irretrievably broken down, dissolved, all went into my head but didn't stick floating around like alphabetti-spaghetti.
For the first time in well, I dunno, probably since I was a kid, I actually sat close and rested my head on my mum's shoulder, tears followed. Same day different... no wait, same s*&t.
And all this after my last weekend where I saw her and had no response or anything from her. Barely a look in my direction. I looked in hers and could see, or maybe it was just me, that she looked different, her face seemed changed. It was the eyes. They seemed harder somehow. But I suppose I would say that wouldn't I?
Wandering around the supermarket earlier today I felt like I did the first month I was fully submerged in the black; stifled, anxious, lost, like I was swimming in a waterless swimming pool full of clear treacle, able to see and breathe but submerged into another place, inside a looking glass peering outwards.
All the while my mind kept reminding me and taunting me of my failures, the failure to keep the marriage, the failure to even live a stable day to day existence and the failure to even keep to some sort of commitment or simple activity. For example, I was due out this weekend but felt so tired and empty that that wasn't going to happen. Once again I fall out. Oh dear. This is getting to be a habit and a bad one at that.
So, back to my usual then. Drown myself aurally in music, eat a bit, try and not focus on SI and bounce between sleeping very little and then sleeping too much.

Yesterday...