She's not there

Although I really hate throwing  up, I mean really hate it, to the point of holding it back when it starts to erupt and making possessed like noises like a drowning demon when it finally does erupt, some days I wish I could vomit, binge and purge myself of her memory; a mental emptying but that’s not going to happen. It’d be as hopeless as trying to rid myself of any memory good or bad. But the urge is still there.  I had another dream about her. This time she was pregnant and shacking up with a co-friend and then she wanted to get back with me. All very odd but significant is as much as it shows my subconscious is trying to find some sort of peace for itself and therefore me because right now there is none. Or if there is it patchy. I don’t know where I can go with this now, these thoughts and feelings. I baulk at counselling as I don’t think it’s me, truly I don’t. Talking about it has helped but ultimately I can only see time and me riding out this storm coming somewhere to helping but that will take time, who knows how much? And also a lot of discomfort. One minute she was part of my life, 7 years and now because of my black she isn’t and that’ shard to take because although she has hurt me terribly I still do miss her. Luckily friends and family are understanding but how long will that last? I sometimes worry that even the Samaritans will get bored of me.