Oh the sadness will never go...

So another Sunday, another run and another day of darkness and feeling empty inside. 
It took a lot of distractions to get rid of that nagging anxious feeling and a lot of distractions to rid that empty feeling of missing her. 
No matter how much time passes I wonder if I'm dome sort of inevitable path to my ultimate self destruction. Regardless of the odd side-road that I am sometimes diverted down that can fool me into a sense of losing that feeling I always seem to find myself back on this road. Seemingly.

...will never go away, baby it's here to stay

I say seemingly as I do and have generally pulled out of it. I do this by generally trying to just carry on and trying my best not to give in to that feeling, the voice that says, give up, stop. It is tempting and at times hard to resist as I have previously written about but having been there before I know that if I do give up and give in to that feeling and that voice I'll find it harder to get out and get going and the guilt that will follow will be crushing as I do have commitments. I hate it but sometimes it is very hard to resist. Very hard.

Me vs Me

My run almost didn't happen as I wasn't feeling it at all, the urge to get up and out wasn't there. I near enough forced myself out by reminding myself that a) no runs equal a chubbier me and b) it's been one month since I last started my new year runs and one month since tackling the hill that I mentioned in my last entry. That time on New Year's Day I struggled and ended up walking a section of it. This time I completed it and managed to keep on moving in a run/jog sort of manner. That effort seems to have leveled out my bad feelings and at the moment I feel ok. Not particularly up but thankfully not too far down either. Which after earlier on before the run is an improvement, of sorts.
Still, the way I am and the way I have been I'll take any improvement. comparing this year's entries to last year's is also a marked improvement. Though saying that Feb 2014 did almost culminate in another suicide attempt. Still, baby steps and it is so far, so good.
But, well it's all getting far too repetitive. Again.
At least the Super-Bowl is on later.

Running on Vince DeCola

Whilst running this evening I think I've worked out why I not only like outdoors running but outdoors running when it is dark, cold and possibly raining and/or snowing. I think it pretty much replicates my mind during these dark periods, during these anxious times when I struggle to do anything, when the thought of going anywhere or doing anything near enough paralyses me into doing nothing. 
Ever since I began running it soon became clear that the biggest opponent I'd ever face was myself. And even today after all those years of fitness and running now behind me it still rings true. I've taken to running up an, at times, undulating but pretty steep hill not far from where I live. It used to be an accident hot spot for cars, particularly in bad weather (Whenever I'm out running at night I make sure I wear bright near outlandish running gear. I will not not be seen) and running it can be pretty tough. I've only tackled the whole thing twice and am steadily increasing my range with regards to running the whole thing again soon. Whenever I do run it, whether it's the whole thing or part of it the goal is always the same, to keep on moving, to keep on running even if it is only shuffling my feet up that hill. Making sure that voice that wants me to stop, to walk when the pain in my legs grows and they become heavy or if I'm struggling to get air into my lungs I try my best to shut that voice out and stop it being heard. This is what I mean by me being the biggest opponent because whether it's running or just day to say tasks I'm trying my best to overcome that opponent. 
I'm trying hard to overcome me.

'Though his body says stop, his spirit cries, NEVER!'

Show me the wonder

Another Sunday, another run done.
It was a bit longer and bit harder this time around but that's good as it means I'm always progressing with little steps. I was decked out in bright clothing and had no fear of not being seen out in the cold night air.
Every-time I run and every-time I'm starting to feel it in my legs or lungs as they start to feel fit to burst (sometimes when really bad I can feel it in my stomach too as that really does feel like it's going to pop) I always try and equate it to current anxiety problems and barriers. If I can get past this or run up this hill and not stop, I say to myself then I can overcome, whatever is on my mind or whatever is next in the following days. I always makes sure I have inspiring music, well inspiring to me anyway, that always pushes me that little bit further or just keeps me moving. I'm not racing, I'm running against myself and it doesn't matter how fast I'm going as long as I'm running and that I'm keeping on moving.
I just have to remember that when I'm not running.
Like the song says, moving just keep on moving.

Self Inflicted

Eventually waking up today I wanted to cancel everything, shut it all out and hide in bed. Again.
I missed out on the gym but did get out for a run and I liked it, mostly because it was dark, windy, snowy and then rainy. Odd isn't it? I can get out for a run in all weathers yet the thought of going out to a party, to play in certain team sports or to just get out and do whatever I need to do on that particular day can leave me hiding under the duvet.
My face and hands were numb from cold and my lips were too, snow melted to my lips, yet on I went. I think I know why as I've mentioned before. 
Punishment. That's most of it. 
If I can't self harm anymore then this is the next best thing.

George: Just be yourself, Yosser.
Yosser: What if you don't like yourself?

Boys from the Blackstuff

I don't mind the pain

So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. 
You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh.
Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. 
My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days.
Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was.
This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in?
I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure.
I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. 
It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too.
Let's hope I can keep it up.