I don't mind the pain

So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. 
You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh.
Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. 
My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days.
Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was.
This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in?
I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure.
I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. 
It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too.
Let's hope I can keep it up.

Sometimes it comes back…

…sprouting up like little black flowers in the ashes of hell.

Very dramatic I know but heck, I’ve got depression so I’m allowing it.

At the moment things aren’t the best, again. It’s at times like these I wonder how and why I carry on. This week I actually had a job interview, of sorts. It was more a display of fitness knowledge and business acumen in a group of about nine of us. I’ve done these days before and it’s usually, best salesperson wins. This time though, I enjoyed it and got a chance to do some fitness related activity as well as business type stuff. There were six slots and out of nine of us and I thought, ‘Yeh, I should get at least to stage two.’  Cue canned laughter. Fat chance son! Glimmer of hope? Not any more, smash grind stomp! There it goes into the ground gone once more. 

So another one passes on by and I took it badly. Very badly. That coupled with everything else lately left me upset, fed up, frustrated and angry. My inner blood God demanded action, demanded a sacrifice and it got on alright. My former scratching post, my right thigh, took it. Annoyingly it wasn’t enough, the cuts and the lack of blood never going far enough, which made me more frustrated so I cut deeper, deep enough to scar and deep enough for my leg to smart considerably when I was done, the rage finally satiated. Blood wise a pathetic little tear of crimson slowly dribbled down. I couldn’t even do that right. After that I led down staring, thinking everything over, thinking how things would never really settle down, how I’d always feel this way and when I finally had some energy to stumble out of bed I felt awful. My body felt awful and my face felt awful, as if all the life had been sucked from it; it felt saggy and heavy as though it was just hanging from my skull like a melting mask of rubber. Oh dear.