Self Inflicted

Eventually waking up today I wanted to cancel everything, shut it all out and hide in bed. Again.
I missed out on the gym but did get out for a run and I liked it, mostly because it was dark, windy, snowy and then rainy. Odd isn't it? I can get out for a run in all weathers yet the thought of going out to a party, to play in certain team sports or to just get out and do whatever I need to do on that particular day can leave me hiding under the duvet.
My face and hands were numb from cold and my lips were too, snow melted to my lips, yet on I went. I think I know why as I've mentioned before. 
Punishment. That's most of it. 
If I can't self harm anymore then this is the next best thing.

George: Just be yourself, Yosser.
Yosser: What if you don't like yourself?

Boys from the Blackstuff

I don't mind the pain

So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. 
You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh.
Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. 
My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days.
Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was.
This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in?
I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure.
I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. 
It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too.
Let's hope I can keep it up.

Every post is exactly the same

So many plans, so many thoughts. All of them came to nil points.
My plan was to awake early, run, gym it and get things done. Things done? Sod all.
Sleeping done however, lots and lots. I just wanted to sleep and let the world disappear around me as I folded in on my own consciousnesses. It probably didn't help that lat night I felt odd and anxious, rereading my divorce paper didn't help. An odd dream/vision of crawling figures in black hoodies coming towards me added to the unease but didn't duly disturb me, (this is an odd side of me that is well, kinda odd. I rarely have nightmares and so am keen to experience them thinking they'll be more like personal horror films, none so far though) No, I'm not sure what it was but the usual happened, a lack of sleep and then an on/off sleep that stretched long into the next day. Everything ruined once more. 
You stupid stupid a**%$! I was too listless and apathetic to actually think that but it was there, my annoyance at myself. 
And round and round we go.
I'm getting in the habit of not eating a lot and kind of enjoying it. I know things aren't the best when I start munching on dry digestives. I've lost weight, all that work in the gym has now gone but for some reason I'm keen to emaciate myself. I guess this is another version of S.I. which is something else I've been thinking about, cutting away at my arms in a symmetrical pattern and letting myself bleed out.
Oh dear, how on earth did I get here?

What if all the world around you is an elaborate dream?