I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
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Thursday, 30 August 2012
2 steps forward...
...and then a s%$!-load back.
Lack of sleep left me dazed and confused today. Not a big problem as I've done no sleep before. But my appointment today led to me to my old marriage living type area, which was nice on the one hand but odd on the other. I now know the true meaning of ghosts. More on the lack of appointment later but as I travelled around my old shopping spots and walking areas and the house memories and experiences came filtering in. An argument for no apparent reason near the supermarket, her quest to find the ladies quickly! a tour around the new big supermarket that was bigger than the one we used to shop in, splitting up to tackle each aisle and get the shop done more efficiently. I always enjoyed shopping with my former. She saw it as mundane but I saw it as a little trip seeing what we both liked, deciding on foods and household implements. I would always catch her by the pick'n mix, filling a bag and looking at me with a guilty face. Odd memories but happy ones.
I met up with an old friend instead and told her at times I find it difficult to comprehend how I got here. It's like I'm playing snakes and ladders for real. One minute happy with new life and wife and the next I've gone back seven odd years to now. No wonder I feel so dizzy and out of it sometimes. Mind you, that could be the anti-d's.
So yes, the appointment. I got lost, couldn't find the venue, was late and decided instead of facing the shame of being late, sacked it with an excuse. Those who have read Hyperbole and a Half will get this next bit. I felt emotionless about doing it. Usually I'd stress and think it over and over pushing myself to scrap it and then when I had punishing myself for it. This time, I wasn't bothered. It's not like I'd have been missed anyway so nuts to it. This was my six horror movies and multiple packs of sweeties moment in the video store.
What came out of it all? A nice chat with an old friend, a shop for old times sake, some coffee and an odd weird dreaming sleep when I got home.
Oh, and a call from a tea shop saying my custom made tea-cosy was in for collection.
Lack of sleep left me dazed and confused today. Not a big problem as I've done no sleep before. But my appointment today led to me to my old marriage living type area, which was nice on the one hand but odd on the other. I now know the true meaning of ghosts. More on the lack of appointment later but as I travelled around my old shopping spots and walking areas and the house memories and experiences came filtering in. An argument for no apparent reason near the supermarket, her quest to find the ladies quickly! a tour around the new big supermarket that was bigger than the one we used to shop in, splitting up to tackle each aisle and get the shop done more efficiently. I always enjoyed shopping with my former. She saw it as mundane but I saw it as a little trip seeing what we both liked, deciding on foods and household implements. I would always catch her by the pick'n mix, filling a bag and looking at me with a guilty face. Odd memories but happy ones.
I met up with an old friend instead and told her at times I find it difficult to comprehend how I got here. It's like I'm playing snakes and ladders for real. One minute happy with new life and wife and the next I've gone back seven odd years to now. No wonder I feel so dizzy and out of it sometimes. Mind you, that could be the anti-d's.
So yes, the appointment. I got lost, couldn't find the venue, was late and decided instead of facing the shame of being late, sacked it with an excuse. Those who have read Hyperbole and a Half will get this next bit. I felt emotionless about doing it. Usually I'd stress and think it over and over pushing myself to scrap it and then when I had punishing myself for it. This time, I wasn't bothered. It's not like I'd have been missed anyway so nuts to it. This was my six horror movies and multiple packs of sweeties moment in the video store.
What came out of it all? A nice chat with an old friend, a shop for old times sake, some coffee and an odd weird dreaming sleep when I got home.
Oh, and a call from a tea shop saying my custom made tea-cosy was in for collection.
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
I try to walk in a straight line
I had the oddest and not the nicest dream ever last night. It involved Steven Gerrard (not a fan of him or his team) and my wife, not like that you filthy dogs! Anyhow, for some reason I was wearing a t-shirt with his face on it to a dinner that he was attending and wearing a suit jacket over it, odd. Even odder was my Aunty suddenly appearing and telling me after I took my jacket off how silly it was of me to wear it when she knew I wasn't a fan. Anyway, Gerrard was ok with me and then cool with me. During all of this my former made an appearance and she sort of spoke to me and I spoke back saying, oh so you're talking to me then?
After that, I can't recall what I said but I know by the tone and the result I wasn't nice to her. I think my brain threw all of the subconscious thoughts and feelings I had/have in the form of questions at her which resulted in her leaving in floods of tears. not long after that, she died! And then I nearly did when Gerrard tried to kill me in a mobile scooter accident we were both in. Blimey O!
I awoke feeling very odd indeed and a bit sad too. I never did like seeing her cry or sad though it seemed to happen during our time together. That is the one face of hers that my mind keeps conjuring up too, her being in pain or crying. It pops up now and again as if to torture me somehow. Hmm.
The song with the link below featured in my dream and I think kick started it as I listened to it before bed, well, before bed at half 2 in the am. It was one of her favs and one we sang along to when we saw them last year. Played it today and heard it on the radio this evening. Seemed kind apt.
My mum asked if I believed it could happen and I said, no but that wasn't the point. It was the feeling it left behind this morning.
Why does my mind seemingly hate me?
Feeling tired which is good as I'm up early tomorrow for an appointment.
We shall see if I sleep or it's another all nighter.
I wish I had a bottle
After that, I can't recall what I said but I know by the tone and the result I wasn't nice to her. I think my brain threw all of the subconscious thoughts and feelings I had/have in the form of questions at her which resulted in her leaving in floods of tears. not long after that, she died! And then I nearly did when Gerrard tried to kill me in a mobile scooter accident we were both in. Blimey O!
I awoke feeling very odd indeed and a bit sad too. I never did like seeing her cry or sad though it seemed to happen during our time together. That is the one face of hers that my mind keeps conjuring up too, her being in pain or crying. It pops up now and again as if to torture me somehow. Hmm.
The song with the link below featured in my dream and I think kick started it as I listened to it before bed, well, before bed at half 2 in the am. It was one of her favs and one we sang along to when we saw them last year. Played it today and heard it on the radio this evening. Seemed kind apt.
My mum asked if I believed it could happen and I said, no but that wasn't the point. It was the feeling it left behind this morning.
Why does my mind seemingly hate me?
Feeling tired which is good as I'm up early tomorrow for an appointment.
We shall see if I sleep or it's another all nighter.
I wish I had a bottle
I get knocked down
I managed to do most of what I wanted last week after the no sleep all nighter. It got hard but it was done. It sort of sorted my sleeping but not that much as Thurs night I struggled again and I had to be up early too. Nevermind though. So on the Thurs night of me being away I tried to sleep whilst feeling so down and so sad. Oh my, I felt so intensely sad and I wasn't sure why. It was like a mash of various downers had come together like a load of mashed up skittles, multi coloured and hard to discern what is what. I stayed laying down wondering what to do, should I get up and wander, read? In the end I texted T. She was nice enough and tad worried and then my phone started to fade out. Damn battery. That's the trouble with camping out sometime, a lack of modern amenities. Or maybe that's the point? Hmmm. Still, aside from that and a moment where I had to sit out on my own looking in as the group yakked it up and laughed away it was a good time away. I even got to see some of the air-show. I love air-shows. Seeing all those aircraft cutting around the sky, wonderful.
Sleeping it still a bit odd and patchy but kind of better. The odd thing mostly is me waking up feeling so tired, my body feels like I haven't slept in years, all fuzzy and light. Sometimes it can mess up my entire day. I'm trying to get a hold on it but some days...
Sleeping it still a bit odd and patchy but kind of better. The odd thing mostly is me waking up feeling so tired, my body feels like I haven't slept in years, all fuzzy and light. Sometimes it can mess up my entire day. I'm trying to get a hold on it but some days...
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
I can't get no....
....ssleeeeeeppp.
So I'm trying an old tricky that sometimes works but is hard on the mind and body especially if not kept busy. But tomorrow or er... today, early this morning even, I will be hopefully.
Debates on YouTube involving Hitchens, Fry and Dawkins and trying to learn Italian with a coffee are helping but saying that I had so much kip today...erm...yesterday? that it's not too difficult.
Plus it's kept my chattering mind shut for the time being and I get to see the break of dawn, always so peaceful and calm.
This could be a long old day.
We shall see.
So I'm trying an old tricky that sometimes works but is hard on the mind and body especially if not kept busy. But tomorrow or er... today, early this morning even, I will be hopefully.
Debates on YouTube involving Hitchens, Fry and Dawkins and trying to learn Italian with a coffee are helping but saying that I had so much kip today...erm...yesterday? that it's not too difficult.
Plus it's kept my chattering mind shut for the time being and I get to see the break of dawn, always so peaceful and calm.
This could be a long old day.
We shall see.
Every post is exactly the same
So many plans, so many thoughts. All of them came to nil points.
My plan was to awake early, run, gym it and get things done. Things done? Sod all.
Sleeping done however, lots and lots. I just wanted to sleep and let the world disappear around me as I folded in on my own consciousnesses. It probably didn't help that lat night I felt odd and anxious, rereading my divorce paper didn't help. An odd dream/vision of crawling figures in black hoodies coming towards me added to the unease but didn't duly disturb me, (this is an odd side of me that is well, kinda odd. I rarely have nightmares and so am keen to experience them thinking they'll be more like personal horror films, none so far though) No, I'm not sure what it was but the usual happened, a lack of sleep and then an on/off sleep that stretched long into the next day. Everything ruined once more.
You stupid stupid a**%$! I was too listless and apathetic to actually think that but it was there, my annoyance at myself.
And round and round we go.
I'm getting in the habit of not eating a lot and kind of enjoying it. I know things aren't the best when I start munching on dry digestives. I've lost weight, all that work in the gym has now gone but for some reason I'm keen to emaciate myself. I guess this is another version of S.I. which is something else I've been thinking about, cutting away at my arms in a symmetrical pattern and letting myself bleed out.
Oh dear, how on earth did I get here?
What if all the world around you is an elaborate dream?
My plan was to awake early, run, gym it and get things done. Things done? Sod all.
Sleeping done however, lots and lots. I just wanted to sleep and let the world disappear around me as I folded in on my own consciousnesses. It probably didn't help that lat night I felt odd and anxious, rereading my divorce paper didn't help. An odd dream/vision of crawling figures in black hoodies coming towards me added to the unease but didn't duly disturb me, (this is an odd side of me that is well, kinda odd. I rarely have nightmares and so am keen to experience them thinking they'll be more like personal horror films, none so far though) No, I'm not sure what it was but the usual happened, a lack of sleep and then an on/off sleep that stretched long into the next day. Everything ruined once more.
You stupid stupid a**%$! I was too listless and apathetic to actually think that but it was there, my annoyance at myself.
And round and round we go.
I'm getting in the habit of not eating a lot and kind of enjoying it. I know things aren't the best when I start munching on dry digestives. I've lost weight, all that work in the gym has now gone but for some reason I'm keen to emaciate myself. I guess this is another version of S.I. which is something else I've been thinking about, cutting away at my arms in a symmetrical pattern and letting myself bleed out.
Oh dear, how on earth did I get here?
What if all the world around you is an elaborate dream?
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