I know what's coming

Do I  want to be a dead body or do I want it all to stop?
A question that a Doctor asked me once last year and I think it's the former though some-days I can't tell the difference between the two.
I had a dream this morning that involved me looking at myself in a mirror and realising that my body had withered and my face had taken on a changed look due to my depression in  an Emperor after the dark side had enveloped him kinda way. I knew it was a dream near the end and called myself, silly, before walking up but thinking about it I know why the dream occurred  It's because I do want some sort of visible mark or scar of this damned black, to prove to myself and to prove to others. This is real damn it all, This isn't me being indulgent, weak or overly dramatic and see here? These scars, these marks, this withering? There is it is, right there. Easier for you to deal with now is it?
Or am I trying to justify this all to myself? Frak knows. 
Answers on a postcard to....


This mess of a man