Have you ever played that game, Breakout, that has this paddle at the bottom of the screen and you bat this little ball up into a wall of breakable bricks. The ball bounces around and you sort of direct it up to them to break them down. Sometimes a slot appears and the ball gets stuck between the wall and the bricks constantly bouncing away breaking bricks until it well, breaks out.
This is what it’s like when I get a certain dark thought in my head. Big or small it bounce around causing damage weakening my defences such as they are and this is what it’s been like lately. It had been going well, drama classes, the attempt to get back into some sort of team exercise and games, back to running and the gym. Heck, I even finished, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood game. But, my mind’s version of breakout has buggered it up. Yesterday, I had an assessment to do. Did I get there? No. Failed again. Just like last year when I didn't go. Frak. My battles are becoming losses with very small victories. The war goes on but boy, am I taking losses.
Sleep is going back to night-owl status with the odd bit of over-sleeping. This may increase due to me being on new meds soon. This entails me coming of the old ones gradual, last week down to one, this week down to none. Bit scary, as I know what may come. Baton down the hatches. Or in tis case, under the duvet I go. The one thing I've noticed about being a night-owl is that the darkness is something I like because it feels as if I can hide into it, be absorbed into it, taken away from life so I don’t have to deal with this head full of thoughts and black.
I’m trying. When its early doors and I’m still awake I try and cram as much as I can, either the gym or tasks, washing clothes, cleaning up, filling out what-ever, shopping; normal day-to-day stuff that I might fail at before. It’s my morning window of opportunity, like a depressive’s worm-hole, a chance to enter a world of do-ability. But be quick because it closes. If yer lucky it’ll open again, if not it’ll be a while until it opens again and then just remembering to clean yer teeth becomes a task on its own.
A week with no meds? KBO I guess.
Or I hope.