'Your wretched loneliness doesn't fool me'

Thinking about relationships or even attempting to embark on one is causing me some confusion. Confusion that is rising from do I or don't I? As I've covered before in previous posts, I still miss my wife. My ex-wife. Earlier this week when I passed a garden centre and saw an advert for coal and logs it immediately transported me back to a time when we had our own open fire and would buy logs or home make our own fire-lighter bricks and the ache inside deep inside was strong. It reverberated around like a yearning. A yearning for my old life with her.
With all of that can I really expect to start anew with someone else, with all of that still swirling around inside, ready to unleash on me whenever something of her pops up to remind me?
It feels like it's lying there dormant just waiting to unleash memories and feelings as soon as something triggers it. Much like certain blogs or websites use Trigger Warnings to warn individuals of certain elements contained within I think I should have the same scattered throughout my life to warn me of potential hazards.
'Trigger Warning: Passing through that area we used to both drive through together'
'Trigger Warning: Playing a song you both discovered and liked'
'Trigger Warning: Feeling stressed waiting for that hug she used to give you'
The whole thing is tiring but I don't know how to curb it all. 
Perhaps I can't and time is the only way. I try to remind myself of what she did and that sometimes helps but the feelings still linger.
One day soon she will be nothing more than a memory.
One day.

'It's unreal now you're gone...'

Running on Vince DeCola

Whilst running this evening I think I've worked out why I not only like outdoors running but outdoors running when it is dark, cold and possibly raining and/or snowing. I think it pretty much replicates my mind during these dark periods, during these anxious times when I struggle to do anything, when the thought of going anywhere or doing anything near enough paralyses me into doing nothing. 
Ever since I began running it soon became clear that the biggest opponent I'd ever face was myself. And even today after all those years of fitness and running now behind me it still rings true. I've taken to running up an, at times, undulating but pretty steep hill not far from where I live. It used to be an accident hot spot for cars, particularly in bad weather (Whenever I'm out running at night I make sure I wear bright near outlandish running gear. I will not not be seen) and running it can be pretty tough. I've only tackled the whole thing twice and am steadily increasing my range with regards to running the whole thing again soon. Whenever I do run it, whether it's the whole thing or part of it the goal is always the same, to keep on moving, to keep on running even if it is only shuffling my feet up that hill. Making sure that voice that wants me to stop, to walk when the pain in my legs grows and they become heavy or if I'm struggling to get air into my lungs I try my best to shut that voice out and stop it being heard. This is what I mean by me being the biggest opponent because whether it's running or just day to say tasks I'm trying my best to overcome that opponent. 
I'm trying hard to overcome me.

'Though his body says stop, his spirit cries, NEVER!'

Small Black Flowers that Grow in the Sky

It is now just over 4 years since the beginnings of this black and getting close now to 3 years since the beginnings of the divorce. I was thinking about that, the divorce, this morning. 
I was thinking about how I tend to enumerate most things and how especially regarding the divorce I am counting the years as they pass like a prisoner counting down the days and years but in reverse, knowing that there isn't anything to look forward to with regard to a release from all of this. Well, nothing definitive. There will be no 'closure' only peace.
How long this will take though, I have no idea. As much as I want it to fade away it won't. 
How can it? How can all those years, those memories, good times, bad times and all in-between just disappear like that? They served as a running stream of emotion that kept the relationship burning so I can't really expect it to just quickly fade from my memory box. 
No matter how much I might want it to in light of the divorce.
What makes it harder to push myself away from those times are the odd moments of intense separation that I feel for her, times where we went away together or just spent time together like say today, a simple Sunday. Maybe we'd have gone out for a walk together, maybe not. But we'd have been together and she'd be there. Earlier on I  was looking at a ski-ing holiday and that immediately reprised memories of our first holiday together which was also our first time ski-ing together. Seeing the advert for that holiday was a stark reminder that for now a trip away 'together' isn't happening.
When I was driving home a couple of weeks ago I had my usual pang of missing her when going through a route that we lived near and I remember consciously asking myself why I was missing her, why I was feeling this way considering how she left me and why she left me and I think it was or rather is because part of me deep deep down doesn't want to let the memory of her go because to do so would equal more hurt and would give in to the realisation that it truly is the end. 
Have I truly let her go and let my mind accept that it is over and that it is the end?

'I wonder what you're doing now, I hope you're feeling happy now'

Relationship article

This is a very honest appraisal of a relationship and makes me want to see the film that it writes about as well.
Since the divorce I relate to a lot of this.

Fears of a realtionship

Distraction

A game for you to distract those unwanted thoughts RIGHT HERE

Blogging linking

There are some pretty good blogs and blog entries RIGHT HERE

Show me the wonder

Another Sunday, another run done.
It was a bit longer and bit harder this time around but that's good as it means I'm always progressing with little steps. I was decked out in bright clothing and had no fear of not being seen out in the cold night air.
Every-time I run and every-time I'm starting to feel it in my legs or lungs as they start to feel fit to burst (sometimes when really bad I can feel it in my stomach too as that really does feel like it's going to pop) I always try and equate it to current anxiety problems and barriers. If I can get past this or run up this hill and not stop, I say to myself then I can overcome, whatever is on my mind or whatever is next in the following days. I always makes sure I have inspiring music, well inspiring to me anyway, that always pushes me that little bit further or just keeps me moving. I'm not racing, I'm running against myself and it doesn't matter how fast I'm going as long as I'm running and that I'm keeping on moving.
I just have to remember that when I'm not running.
Like the song says, moving just keep on moving.

Self Inflicted

Eventually waking up today I wanted to cancel everything, shut it all out and hide in bed. Again.
I missed out on the gym but did get out for a run and I liked it, mostly because it was dark, windy, snowy and then rainy. Odd isn't it? I can get out for a run in all weathers yet the thought of going out to a party, to play in certain team sports or to just get out and do whatever I need to do on that particular day can leave me hiding under the duvet.
My face and hands were numb from cold and my lips were too, snow melted to my lips, yet on I went. I think I know why as I've mentioned before. 
Punishment. That's most of it. 
If I can't self harm anymore then this is the next best thing.

George: Just be yourself, Yosser.
Yosser: What if you don't like yourself?

Boys from the Blackstuff

A fellow blogger

Worthy of your time RIGHT HERE

This act of creation will save me from despair

I don't know how it exactly started. Was it the thought of her and the intense feeling of missing her, her presence, her calming presence that was the beginning? Or was it the general sense of darkness that slowly started to envelope me, gently but ever so surely until I didn't even realise that I was up to my neck in it? 
I felt bad, mentally and physically and by the time I got myself to bed and plugged in the Manics I was trying hard not to let it succumb. But succumb it did as it usually does and when it did feelings and thoughts soon turned to suicide. Suicide to stop all of this. It also became apparent to me that sometimes my suicidal thoughts are there to actually calm me down, soothe me, as off the wall as that sounds. Mostly they seem to pop up when I can't see a way out of this. All I can see are flat moments, the odd plateau, when I try and look ahead. If I look hard can I see another chance at a long term relationship? A career, a stable one without all of this...  illness?

Can't let love back in....

That's even assuming I try and properly look for one and stop my messing about browsing and being ignored on that POF site. The one chance I had for a relationship there, well it wasn't the right time. I think I was holding back. Miss C seemed to think so.
I think deep down I'm scared of what will happen if I do connect with someone, face to face, and a relationship begins. It could start off great, stars, rainbows, good shared times and feelings but what if it strikes? What if it strikes when we've established a good relationship? Will she be understanding or will she start off like that and ultimately do what my ex did and well, do one? Can I really go through that, put myself through that again? That's a lot of 'ifs' I know but still, the thoughts are there. How can they be not after last time?

Today hasn't been the best. I shut out the rest and made the best excuse I could to get out of my scheduled things for today, hiding under the covers, eating little -doritos, cereal, olives-  and mostly watching DVDs. It's days like these that scare me the most, especially when I consider the new job and new country that awaits me later this year.
When I was a kid I always thought that as soon as I was older, a grown up, it would be easier and that everything would be sorted and stable. I'd be instantly liked and respected because I was an older wiser adult and that life would be sorted. I'd also have a mustache.
Not quite eh?
Apart from the 'tache during November. 
That bit's simple. Not quite so the rest.

I don't mind the pain

So here we all are, a new year, a chance to... hmm, I'll stop there. 
You've heard all before, I've heard it and said it all before. Yeh.
Last year's new year wasn't the best and that kinda lingered for a while with some big peaks and deep troughs, the odd calm moments in March/April before properly plateauing around May time. 
My last suicidal urge was late February and hopefully I won't go through similar this time around. It started in January and was sort of triggered by a river I walk past most days.
Whenever I pass by that river now I always get the odd flashback as it was a place I kept resisting the urge to leap into at the start of last year. You can read through those times in last year's January blog entry if you'd like. I might myself at one point to see how bad I was.
This year so far so fairly normal, for me. I started off with a run on new year's day and have so far kept up the running and gym visits. Mind you, it is still early. I mean, what is it so far, one week and bit in?
I'm enjoying my outdoor runs though. Even if the weather isn't the best or it's rainy or windy I like it. Running in darkness is fine too as there are very few people about. I just put on some bright gear, plug in my music and I'm off. Right now I'm back to hitting the odd long hill too. The feeling of the cold air in my lungs and the heavy pain in my legs sometimes has a cleansing effect on me, it sort of clears my head as all I have to really think about and concentrate on is moving and keeping on moving trying my best not to stop and walk because I'm puffed out or my legs are too heavy. I just have to keep on moving, even if it's a slow shuffle, keep on moving, keep on running. When I'm going up that hill I tend to keep my head down as if I look at what's to come mentally it deflates me and it's hard enough to run without added pressure.
I remember during my first and thankfully so far, only attempt at suicide the walk I took was almost as head clearing as deciding to take my life. Now though, I prefer to run as at times I seek the pain from it. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's a hangover from my self harming days. 
It's my small way of punishing myself, I think. It's also helping me lose a little bit of weight that I've been carrying around in various sizes for the past year too.
Let's hope I can keep it up.

Solidarity

#JeSuisCharlie #JeSuisAhmed