Every so often I have little moments of clarity. Despite me still missing my former I think now I am starting to see those missing moments for what they really are. Me missing the times and feelings garnered from those times spent together. I now longer have a partner to share good times with or do things with. Previously if I felt a bit down it wouldn't take long for that black wave to cover me. One thought would come and soon bring along a few more thoughts with it and so on until that was me ruined mood wise. Now I am starting to find little barriers against them. They are only small but that are something whereas before I had nothing. Earlier when I had that empty feeling in which space she used to live I started to try and think back to how she left me. The fact that, despite making a thing of the marriage vow about in sickness and in health, she me left when things got rough. She left me to my parents when at my worst. I need to remind myself and ask myself how can I seriously keep loving thoughts and feelings about someone who did that to me? Now, of course, I know the answer to that but previously it hasn't been that simple, what with those feelings, memories and the such like getting in the way of any clear thinking. Granted, it isn't much and those empty feelings will still linger after football tomorrow but after the last few years it is progress, no matter how small. This was the wonderful song I heard that first made me feel a little sad today. By the same token I also find it wonderfully calming too. It is a wonderful song about a wonderful painter. Enjoy.
Sometimes I wonder if she has or is going through similar to me. As the initiator of the divorce I tend to presume that she isn't but after our history together I do wonder. In fact, I started wondering after listening to the Hole song that the title inspired. Is she going through all the missing and yearnings? The going over the perceived mistakes that could have led on to the split? Does she have the same sadness and emptiness that I get when driving past a place we used to travel through or to when we were together? The songs we both liked, do they instill instant sadness as my memory or the memory of our once good times together come to the front of her mind? Does she have the dreams of us still together before she wakes up and realises that isn't her reality anymore? And if she does do they make her sad and want to return to what we had? Or was the divorce enough to completely kill of all her feelings about me and us? Or is she fooling herself in trying to keep those feelings from even surfacing at all? Hoping that they'll stay buried and that the next relationship she has will keep them buried deep? Does she ache at all? Whatever the answer I get no joy from it. I just wonder if she is the same girl that I loved or if her decision to leave me at my worst has changed her. It has certainly changed me.
When I was on my way to Uni practicals at the start of the week a thought came to me which was that when it comes to events and experiences I view them this way. They are obstacles to be overcome rather than experiences to be enjoyed. It has been that way for as long as I can remember and I can't really see it changing. In fact as I've gotten older it seems to be that more marked. Everyday events, getting a train to someplace is, for me, an exercise in controlling my mounting anxiety at such a task. The location of the seat, if I'll even get a seat, will the platform be full with lots of passengers waiting to get on the same train? The same goes for entering a coffee house. Is it a big queue? Will the shop be full? Will I have any place to sit? Can I sit near the exit? And on and on it goes. It just seems like these last few years or so have been harder to control those fears. It was something I could just about control but now it seems as though it is controlling me. I also know that when my anxiety is too bad and my black is equally so that is when I get ready to Control, Alt, Delete. I've lost many battles, as I have blogged here countless times the war continues until I don't. It will be my choice whether or not that happens.
It won't be long until the anniversary of my wedding, now first and only wedding, which will also coincide with the anniversary of the split/divorce. When I was a little younger I used to think that going through marriages and the such like would offer one some sort of wisdom, give one a certain take on life and make you exude sagacious wiseness. Internally I also tend to think that this has given me some sort of life experience which will in turn present me as being wise and having some wisdom on certain life experiences. Which it has to a certain extent but really all it has done is turn my heart a little harder. Now when I say this I don't mean it is the hardest of hearts as hard as stone more like it has a brittle inner that is shielding a much softer inner. All that experience has given me is a fear of becoming close and intimate to someone again. I'm not as wise as I think I am. Lately she has been on my mind but mostly I think it's the past and those good times and feelings from that time that are on my mind, whether I want to admit that or not. The urge to get in contact with her is strong. As is the urge to go back to a time when we were together living in that small town and all that came with it. how quickly would I go back to relive that period and all it's mistakes in an attempt to rectify them and perhaps change the future? All too readily, I'm afraid. And what is the one thing that calms me down, from not only this but all that is entwined with this black of mine? Facing the end is what. Sitting on the edge.....
No matter how many times I seem to get to this point or reach this level of feeling I still can't seem to shake it or get used to it. An event comes up I get nervous and immediately I yearn for me wife, my ex-wife. On and on it goes with no real lessening of the intensity of feelings. I really don't know how to shift it. And if I do attempt to shift the nerves, which is usually me cancelling something, that results in a brief pause of that feeling and annoyed feelings from who or whatever it is I have cried off from. I can only imagine the depth and intensity of feeling that will result from the forthcoming big move at the end of the summer. It's like I'm in some ineffable maze that I can't find my way out of no matter which way I turn. I try the same route but always end up back to the same. Sometimes distraction works but when-ever it comes back to my mind it sometimes feels worse in it's intensity. I really don't know what to do. Again.
Another passing of a favourite. I know I'm getting older when those in the public eye that I like/admire or respect have died. The Reaper Man was my first of his and still a favourite of mine. I was drawn to it by the fantastic cover art and then reading it, well, after that I was a fan.
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